Its either too late.not the right time.no time.your nice but not my nice- the universe has this sick twisted way of playing with me like a cat terrorising a mouse -looks cute and adorable this is just before ripping it too nothing. The thing is when is it going to be my time?when am I going to get a break. A small one even.I have always taken things in my stride and I will always keep on doing it and being'that girl' and if be so then fuck you universe.

October -national depression and anxiety month

i don't sell sex, i sell a story.but yet they ignore me because of this.
i have made good friends and have lost great one's.
i have struggled through something you would see as childish and up surd and i have become stronger than you were yesterday or the day before . i have missed life and have regained love.somewhere in between i found myself in a box and with some help - burned it -broke it -spat on it.

i have cried and beaten a floor to near pulp,but it never answered. i am ticked off by things i laugh at the next and i cry when I'm happy now.
i love my family.but i cant stand them sometimes.
i am confused.and i cuss because i don't know how to put words too my feelings, but i can make you laugh.
i have clinical depression yet i am blind in one eye and that receives more attention. i have the scars, but some never healed
i always thought it was her but it was me all along..
i find peace and acceptance in water yet i drown very easily in words and stares..
i am frightened of my own mind but i speak it more often than i should.
i love with my whole heart and i have only a little piece left because of that
i want to be everything yet i struggle to show people who i am..
i am afraid of the shadows but i have a lifetime of shadows in my head. more . always . more.i love the sun but stay behind your curtains.
i am NOT broken.you are just not seeing. i have a story to tell.
can i hide my face in your jacket for a while?....


October was national awareness for anxiety and clinical depression. more and more young people are taking their own lives because of everyday stress- bullying or just not feeling adequate enough for anyone or anything. i read about a 12 year old swallowing a bottle of pills and leaving a suicide note

is society expecting too much? just dragging us by the ears and throw you away like your an old pair of shoes? what is acceptable? and what is not?does it even matter?

i think the message I'm trying to get across is that everyday is a battle for someone with anxiety and depression . not just October. support and be grateful you are not at war with your feelings or yourself.it doesn't always help telling someone to rise above it. open your eyes. your ears and your heart.
support. protect and listened.

what is it worth? n droom? n doelwit? of het jy al vergeet? is dit erens weg gebere tussen al die ander "ek wil eendag" wees? ...

daar word altyd gese ons moet drome volg en alles in ons klein vermoe probeer om teword wat jou hart na hinker. al maak ek my hart oop vir my drome staan verandwoordelikheid mos nou mooi groot in rooi ligte- soos n ding wat sy laaste bietjie energie probeer op gebruik voor hy uitbrand. of soos n sign voor n hoerhuis. buy one get one free. dis sad want lewe het so duur geword dat jy nie meer kan bekostig om tedroom nie.


Gaan jy wag vir die oulike growwe rock n roll droom of gaan jy die ouditeer pad vat in jou glas kantoor. gaan jy n ballerina stywe klap hare maak elke aand of gaan jy die blonde kop mediese geniaal word? n perd ruiter of n politikus? scrap that- daar is fokkol geld in politiek- net probleme.


ek wil graag in n smokey jazz club sing tot 1uur in die oggende en net geld nodig het wanneer EK dit nodig het- but it doesn't work that way. knyp jou oe toe so hard soos wat jy kan? het jy geteleport? nee. -EXACTLY!

die ding is- wanneer se jy genoeg is genoeg? die droom is nou verby? dis gemeng,gemors en net globaal( soos my spelling) deurmekaar.jou drome is soos n naweek langs n afrika sonsondergang - soms is jy so bevoorreg om dit tebeleef,maar jy moet altyd terug keer realiteit toe en na mense wat jy wil spoeg. dis deel van groot word en groot mens. but sometimes in between the spitting ,you have a moment of dream.

om te droom of nie?

wat is dit vir jou werd? n droom? n doelwit? of het jy al vergeet? is dit erens weg gebere tussen al die ander "ek wil eendag" wees? ...

daar word altyd gese ons moet drome volg en alles in ons klein vermoe probeer om teword wat jou hart na hinker. al maak ek my hart oop vir my drome staan verandwoordelikheid mos nou mooi groot in rooi ligte- soos n ding wat sy laaste bietjie energie probeer op gebruik voor hy uitbrand. of soos n sighn voor n hoer huis. buy one get one free. dis sad want lewe het so duur geword dat jy nie meer kan bekostig om tedroom nie.

Gaan jy wag vir die oulike growwe rock n roll droom of gaan jy die ouditeer pad vat in jou glas kantoor. gaan jy n ballerina stywe klap hare maak elke aand of gaan jy die blonde kop mediese geniaal word? n perd ruiter of n politikus? scrap that- daar is fokkol geld in politiek- net probleme. ek wil graag in n smokey jazz club sing tot 1uur in die oggende en net geld nodig het wanneer EK dit nodig het- but it doesn't work that way. knyp jou oe toe so hard soos wat jy kan? het jy geteleport? nee. -EXACLY!

die ding is- wanneer se jy genoeg is genoeg? die droom is nou verby? dis gemeng,gemors en net fokken deurmekaar.jou drome is soos n naweek langs n afrika sonsondergang - maar jy moet altyd terug keer realiteit toe en na mense wat jy wil spoeg. dis deel van groot word en groot mens. but sometimes in between the madness

cape town rain

There's something about your own room,your own bed-the smell,the sounds,even the shadows are comforting.listening to the soft cape town rain-how much I have missed it,with my dog and cat safely tucked under my blanket.to me the stars always look so shiny and new after a good rain-i know quite an upsurd thought-but they look polished and rediscovered by the sky. I love it.

haunting-

unseen images of world war II..

chow darling.

i can tell you what i do not feel like. i do not feel like a schoolgirl on a Sunday night. i feel like a schoolgirl on a Friday night and i know that i can sleep my ass of and not be bothered. aah the bliss of going home in 5 days. yep. FIVE. but as you know my over active brain has started to scare me. i am flying alone internationally? what if something goes a little haywire? with me you never know. i might end up insulting a Turkish government dishrag or a king- something like that..or what if i meet the man of my dreams? totally besides the point but there are so many "what ifs "' it's giving me a headache. can i not just skip all of this crap and teleport straight home? so when i open my eyes I'm just there? i wish life was that simple- but it's getting thought the hard stuff that moulds you into the character that you are.and it will probably provide me with some stories i can tell over a bottle of wine- or nine.being afraid and excited at the same time makes me want to throw up.
i have been away from home for 8 months now- and i have a deeper understanding of the love of my family and for the love of my country- doubt truth be a liar- but never doubt our love for one another-
i have already started packing my bags and going through all the memories. i will be sad yes- but i will not cry- i will miss each one- but i will not long to come back- and i will remember each kind word and each insult.
bitter sweet isn't it.. i will be spending my 23rd birthday at home - bring on the champers and new thoughts of wrinkles, getting old and having babies. the Turkish chapter is closed and finished now. thank you too everyone who made it painful and pleasantly funny-
"quote :remember i am from a hot country and my brain works slower"unquote
booosh (crazy eyes)

licking the wounds.

i love phsycologically mental -insanity -makes -you-think- movies.think Girl interrupted.it also scares me much more than a guy with a mask running around chopping people into little macaroon pieces.. because in the end the biggest fear i have is my own mind turning on me. Alzheimer's, schizophrenic disorder, delusional disorders- the brain sabotage list goes on and on..so how do we cope and stay sane everyday? what is sanity then.your INsanity might be another persons sanity.
i have never been the most stable person - ask any guy i have dated,my family- i love throwing hairdryers into mirrors and challenging anything and everything. i can also turn very dark in the blink of an eye. but i am also not afraid of admitting it- on the road to recovery..as long as i keep the fire burning in my heart.if you cant handle the heat then get out of my discussions.

what got me on this subject once again was the movie shutter island. fearing of spoiling it for someone i wont go into detail but the big picture falls mearly on how remarkable your mind-your brain can be. at shutting things out and making you believe any story or fantasy you create..one line in the movie "trauma comes from the Greek word wound" made me sit up like an excited puppy spotting a piece of fancy new leather.
so if you are traumatized- you are wounded?so this is the way your mind copes-by closing it in a file and healing the open wound, much like a smashed in forehead that's fresh with them stitches.and when you are ready and strong enough to deal with the trauma it pops up like a computer anti virus alert..
okay..but does sanity and mental state differ with personality?

that's he physical aspect now on too the emotional -i am moody part-to me there's the question of artificial happiness? anti-depressants and other medications to control moods or personality..are you lying to your brain by taking medication,tricking it to think and things a different way and suppressing the person you really are? if you thought a different way would you have made different choices and gone different directions in your life?or would the base of your personality and the way you handle certain situations still be YOU...

how sane are we at the end of the day?

it's in the tunes.

listening to some music after yet another tormenting day in Turkey. when people start slamming doors in my face because i leave my soap on the floor in the mother fucking shower. that grates my carrot. grow a pair and grow up. now get out of my face you curly head idiot.

back too my music epiphany before i went ranting . have you realised how a certain song can take you back to an exact feeling,time and space? for example if i ever hear the macarena or hush -hush by the pussy cat dolls i will ran away screaming and probably spend the next 20 years in a asylum not yet invented for the intensely disturbed. its like when you were a kid and at some stage you ate too much of something and spend the night looking down the white porcelain pony. NEVER-AGAIN..

music takes you to a movie like walking down the street with your ipod or whatever futuristic looking thing in your ears making you partially deaf before 30. as i sit here reflecting on some life changing songs all the memories come back. no i am not crying tosser.
when i listen to crunch granola sweet - Good lord will always remember the waterfront theatre school, show class and how we use too laugh and get psyched for the show.
the movie in my mind from miss Saigon was the first song i ever sang out loud in front of someone and that person happened to change my life and he is still a big part of my life till this day and always will be - mister Jeremy quickfall. all the swearing paid off.
aking- the dance- on wich i had my first car accident that changed my life forever.it was the most horrific night of my life but i learned a valuble lesson.
die heuwels playing in Sadie as i drove pine (Andre) back to cape town after dropping lilac at the airport it was probably not the best time telling him about all my car episodes no wonder he was so quiet and his hands white from gripping the seat belt the whole way. that day i could remember the sense of belonging i had.
then there is the Oasis song wonderwall, i had the great privilege of seeing this bad perform and it was also the first time i met Liam and got to know Rudi a little better. i was instantly drawn to both of them(one more than the other) that turned out yes well..i made two beautiful friends..
then there was dancing in a bedroom by candle light on TV on the radio- family tree..or singing lion king - i just cant wait to be king 4 in the morning in my white daihutsu. just because we can.


but then it can also take you too a place that you want to escape. in an instant when you let your guard down it creeps in without making a sound and hangs you by the ankles.
it stings none the less.
when the family drove their separate ways after another African holiday the 4x4's fresh with the African dirt and still smelling of the lion we saw the day before,my aunt started, playing "time to say Goodbye" by Andrea bocelli and Sarah brightman over the portable radios..we all teared up saying we will see each other soon. but what hurts the most is that ,that was the last time our family was complete and not torn apart, it was the last tim ewe were all together.it was the last time we experienced the African sunsets or hearing the cry yelping of a jakkals being chased by a cheetah past you..

blah blah blah..
my point is there are so many break up songs, never get over you songs,songs of appreciation,understanding songs of hope in the compartments of your brain..Local. international.dronk liedtjies,langs die pad liedtjies..

my dad and my aunt have this thing when the wine has been flowing (pienk wyn because we are classy like that) they get out the Edith Piaf, the willy nelson,the Golden oldies and play the van Zyl quiz game. who is this artist?when- where-how?interesting doesn't make sense facts. and it has become a family tradition with me falling asleep to Uriah heap or old Jethro sometimes. and this is a tradition that i will carry on through generations . this is what memories are made of. music is life.

Anthony, i'll walk you home anyday.*

I was immensely out of my dress excited when i heard that kings of Leon was bringing out a new album in October.so i hit the torrent site's and got meself a "to go please"...I have always been a big fan since i first heard the bucket at a house party in klipkers and proceeded to buy all their albums after that. my second car accident happened while i was listening to sex on fire from only by night. but since last album mentioned came out many people said their music has changed and now they are more pop than special,and has lost their hard teeth grinding edge.



but my argument remains till this day that if you are a n artist you must grow and hence the fact that as you grow your music will change, you will still have the essence of who you are and the rhythms will still be recognisable yours, but is it not the mission of a musician to climb the ladder too the top and make it their bitch?
i have not deserted them as Caleb's voice always leaves me with a tingle deep in my bones and many have been putting them down since the sex on fire show and little teenagers running around in bobby socks saying "i love kings of Leon,they are the best new band! while twirling their hair". um honey do you know they have 4 albums before this one. wake the fuck up and be your own person.yes, that also made me angry but cheese on rice if you are famous and you make kick ass music you cant help if people make ridiculous remixes of your songs or just happened to try and follow the in crowd of the week.
so it was with a hint of nerves and a pack of Marlboro that i proceeded to put my headphones on and listen to the new album- come around sundown- and i was pleasantly surprised ,recorded in New York city it has a edge that i have never heard in them before adding a violin to back down south in their intro .no money reminds me off their first album youth & young manhood with a little bit of red morning light somewhere. i fell in love with pyro with lyrics such as "all the black inside me is slowly seeping from the bones" ..but then again their is also the kak tracks like Mary that reeks of seventeen ..nee dankie se die gansie.

The lyrics are true and they sing of their eyes swelling up and being emotional, I'll throw my pantie at them any day..but not just that -bottom line is they have stuck it out for 5 albums so far.say what you want they make damn good music, maybe I'm over loyal or maybe I'm just blinded by their intense good looks but the the only way is up so: sluk, maak jou oe toe en daar gaan jy... and too be honest i love these boys and i love their music so i don't give a bugger what you think.
amen.
*for those of you who don't know Caleb's full name is ANTHONY CALEB FOLLOWILL

33 days bitches.

happiness in a can fruit jar. 33 days and counting and then i is in the beingness of being home.

just let it all fall in line- never look back

it was only a smile . nothing more. nothing less.it did not make everything all right , it did not make anything all right.only a smile. a tiny thing. a leave taken by the wind in the woods.or shaken at the startled of a birds flight.
a smile . a message. i miss you.
that i will take with open arms, because when spring comes it melts the snow one flake at a time.and maybe i just felt my first flake melting.

i have been burned so many times that i push away before i get swept away.
like Marilyn said. ": leave before you are left"

and i always end up in a sticky mess of sad delight but putting a wall around your heart does not keep you safe. it just keeps people out.and the silence falls into the space between spaces and you end up having endless conversations with yourself ( yes. eherm ,i even answer now and again)and so you loose all connection with honesty and reality just because you are a pussy.so while im standing in the middle screaming at the top of my lungs i will remember how afraid i was yesterday.but not today.

Your address hangs on my wall
And I've got nothing at all
To remember you by
But I've been waiting for days on end
For you to call
And I never got to say good-bye
To you, my friend

And I swear that I can feel you
Creeping underneath my skin
And it feels like Heaven to me, sometimes
But I don't understand
Why you just can't let me in
And I close my eyes and just let it all fall in line

And we could wait a while
Let everything have it's way
Crack a secret, subtle smile
And everything will be OK
But I promise you that I won't leave you here
I couldn't do that to myself
And not again, not with you, my friend

And I swear that I can feel you
Creeping underneath my skin
And it feels like Heaven to me, sometimes
But I don't understand
Why you just can't let me in
And I close my eyes and just let it all fall in line

And just let it all
Let it all fall in line
And just let it all
Let it all fall in line
And just let it all
Let it all fall in line Roberto skoros- in line

silent nights in Africa.

"it is not the eye that see's the beauty of heaven, nor is it the ear that hears the sweetness of music or the glad tidings of a prosperous occurrence , but the soul, that preceives all the relishes of sensual and intellectual perfections and the more nobler and excellent the soul, the greater and more savory are it's perceptions."


die absolute punt van my kinderlike geluk. die woede maak my naar en brand my van binne af. ek wil skree. en vra hoe pienk wyn en frangelico weggegooi kan word in die wind. dinge gaan nooit weer dieselfde wees nie. my hart is stukkend vir Afrika. a distant memory now only to bring up salty tears and angry words filled sadness. dis n bitter pil om tesluk. n onnodige pil. n skielike uit die bloute uit pil- like a plane crashing for no apparent reason. n ander mens. n ander lewe. he reminded me of Robert Redfort. his inner calm. the wisdom taht shouted from his soft eyes and his gentle blond reddish glowing hair. but never ever without his cool. and then one day it broke. everything smashed too the floor and no one heard the shattering of the pieces.

sometimes i wish i could bleach my frontal loab and make everything white- blank- no memory- no nothing. but then again i would have nothing to learn from.

Silent night, broken night
All is fallen when you take your flight
I found some hate for you
Just for show
You found some love for me
Thinking I'd go
Don't keep me from crying to sleep
Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night, moonlit night
Nothing's changed
Nothing is right
I should be stronger than weeping alone
You should be weaker than sending me home
I can't stop you fighting to sleep
Sleep in heavenly peace
Damien Rice- silent night

bloed is mos maar dukker as water.

i have been raised to always believe in people and too always see the good. i was moulded and formed by a warm ,caring ,loving family. sometimes absolutely crazy but fiercely loyal and always honest.my dad always says " it's when i stop fighting i stop caring. so i will never stop"


in my life i have been hurt by people because of this fairytale believe of mine. defending , holding on too something that no longer exist, being blinded. they have lied and cheated me. using me to manipulate and cheap lipstick me.being betrayed by someone you let into you heart, your family, your life stings more than anything in one's life. i am 23 years old and it took me this long too realize how important my family is too me and how they keep me alive every single day.

my dad for always being there , even at 4 in the morning when i was covered in blood, even when we shout at each other or i need money.
my mom for always steering me in the right direction from a youngen. and for all the love and understanding.
my sister for giving me some of the best memories i have..like on a subway in New york. when she is angry at Kfc or when she's driving in her little blue getz.
my cousins for the most exciting holidays. who can forget pietertjie.
my little brother Marc. whom i love dearly and who has been through so much in his life and turned out to be a handsome strong young man with a mind of his own but a heart that cares for his mother and his family to an extent that he will probably move in with me and my sus one day. ( imagine the three musketeers X9) we are going to have defenders and own a ranch in the moremie with horses you know we have it all planned out.
Louis , livies, whom i always argue with , moenie my sweetie pie noem nie. because it's fun if it's about music or love and the sneaky things we do or if it's just being lazy by ouma and oupa van chaka's swimming pool playing that ridiculous swimming game.

klein ben. for being a teenager and giving us endless grief. we love you none the less.
Lorine for being there for my mom when she needed you. i will always appreciate that, and for always believing in me and the little van zyl not to mention making us look fabulous over December holidays. for being so outgoing and a hell of a personality.
amor, for being an absolute inspiration all my life, you taught me the importance of family and sticking togheter,that you can be anything you put your mind too if it's one of the best athletes in south- Africa ( 6Th in the comrades marathon) or one of he best doctors.
Lanie ,Neil for the family holidays in the moremie and he pee pot never quite making it through the night without someone either stepping in it or messing nice warn urine everywhere in the tent. and also the amazing love you have for each other.a connection beyond words.
lane for inventing "oom krokodil" (yes, my dad is crocodile Dundee and my hero.) and for being such a smart ass who makes us laugh with your little sayings.
Ewan for keeping me fit over holidays , not only my body but my brain,because he is such a brilliant sports man and one of the most intelligent little people i know. einstein se moer..
and then the family glue , the two grandmothers and my grandfather . ouma van joetsie you will defend your family and your children with your life.your dirty jokes and your sense of humour is such a delight for a 80 year old woman you are going strong and there's no sopping you.
oupa and ouma van chaka. for all the walks and surprises. if it's running around with a walking stick swearing at someone, drinking cola and water thinking it's whiskey or ouma's amazing baked potatoes and soft voice that instantly makes you always feel so much better and loved.

these people are my life. i live and breath for them. and we will always have each other no matter what. we will always be there for each other. we will never hurt lie or steal from each other and we will never take one another for granted. i thank the Lord for all of you every day. you keep me on my toes, you keep me smiling with your stories and you keep my heart warm.

appreciate every conversation. every phonecall , every goodmorning and goodnight for your family is the most precouis thing besides you.and one day when you are old and you look back you will never be alone for you will have the most splendid memories to look back on.never go to bed angry and always tell them, whenever you have the chance, every time, you love them. no "if's or but's"
i love you.

seven sea's cleaning team

my second favourite sunset.

but Cape town i do miss you more and you will always be my first..<3

seven seas cleaning team ja.

love devine.

I have had the privilege in my life to meet many a strange character. Some of them became friends and stayed on this path with me through storms and troubles and some took the first exit out. It is not everyday that you find someone with a sense of humor ,the nerves and patience that can handle me but that is just what happened.

Two mountain bikers.A beautiful blue eyed boy and a Romanian with a heart of gold came into my life a view months ago and since then we have been inseparable . with countless laughs,swearwords and cigarettes between us we have made memories that Will last me a lifetime. The first time i met bobo he was sitting behind me asking me why do all dancers have tan lines? I responded sarcastically that we knit sweaters in the sun and then proceeded to call him “little bo-peep” he did NOT like that very much. Luki i saw for the first time hiding underneath his cap with his long curly locks falling out from the sides. The first time we spoke was due to the reason that he has visited cape town before and i happened to see this in his passport. (me being inquisitive nash ofcourse). Little did i know while blabbing on too fast he could not understand a word i was saying. No wonder he just stood there with a smile nodding. Luki i must say your English has improved immensely..


thank you for being my family when i had none here and for all your love and friendship and for letting me burst into your room whenever i feel like it..”do you have a lighter” or “hi there”
The three musketeers.
Thank you for taking the time to begin to understand me,excepting me and even reminding me when too take medication or go and eat, for helping me anywhere possible from cigarettes to holding me when i cried, for the swims luki and bobo for teaching me how too put my feelings into words and never really actually getting out,for all the precious moments you gave to me.

I hate having to say goodbye and i have never been good at it. as bobo is leaving the 18Th of September and after that it will be me and luki. Good because i can only handle one goodbye at a time.
Here it didn’t matter what kind of music you listen too or how you dressed it was about who you are inside . and to the two of you i wish you well and we will see us soon DA.?. This is not goodbye just a “see you later”.you will always and forever be in my heart.

“What is this ja, amana.....?”

This blog is dedicated to Lukas Muller and Bogdan Cacovean.

asunsets and sundowns..goodbyes are the hardest.

"so take the still frames and photographs in your mind"

" i would rather be hated for what i am , than loved for what i am not"
andre Gide,author-

it has been a rough month with migrains and flu , seeing the wolves umongst the sheep.being attacked for what and who i am..but none the less i keep on learning and experiencing new things not just about myself but about being human.there were times when i wanted to explode or be someone else . and nights where my bed felt cold and the little child inside of me wished home was just a block away so i could hop up out of bed and demand to the friend im sleeping over at that it's about that homesick time now so ciao and be out the door.


it feels like there is constantly someone hiding in my mind trying to sabotage what i have been working so hard for . trying to please everyone and always put their needs above mine. and maybe this trip has made me realize just that. that i am also important and that i can stand on my own two feet and that there are no instinct like that of the heart.and that i dont always have to take someones words too heart and fall to peices.

so yes i am young and a student at most things , i am loud, i am compatible yet unpredictable,exspressive and not afraid to tell you when you have wronged me. but i also make mistakes and pick myself up .and sometimes i open the wrong doors and windows in my heart for a little sunshine to get in and with it slips through the "destroyers" (i call them the "destroyers, yes i am reffering too people , because they walk all over the good things in life and are set on pulling people down with them) .

but it is only when you have walked through it's shadows, outlines and doubts and broke your heart with it's intensity that you can begin to understand the path that was chosen for you.
when the wind howls through the empty rooms of your heart and the third person in your mind starts too throw out ideas ,you can hush them, because you have been there and you are moving forward.the only way by moving forward is saying goodbye and accepting. so accept your shortcomings with open arms, it makes you interesting and one day someone will love you for that.

and if this lesson is the only thing i take back with me ,not money, not a tan or the joy of being a better dancer. then so be it. it is one of the best lesson there is to be learned.



Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
Green day- good riddance

hush my love..

Hush my love now don’t you cry
Everything will be all right
Close your eyes and drift in dream Rest in peaceful sleep

If there’s one thing I hope I showed you
Hope I showed you Just give love to all

Oh my love…in my arms tight Every day you give me life As I drift off to your world Will rest in peaceful sleep
I know there’s one thing that you showed me
That you showed me
Just give love to all Let’s give love to all
Creed- lullaby

it's been a while..

It's been a while Since I could hold my head up high
and it's been a while Since I first saw you
It's been a while since i could stand on my own two feet again and it's been a while since i could call you
But everything I can't remember as fucked up as it may seem the consequences that I've rendered I've stretched myself beyond my means
It's been a while since i could say that i wasn't addicted and It's been a while Since I could say I love myself as well and
It's been a while Since I've gone and fucked things up just like i always do
It's been a while ...
Why must i feel this way? just make this go away just one more peaceful day
Its been awhile Since I could look at myself straight and it's been a while since i said i'm sorry
It's been a while Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
It's been a while Since I could hold my head up high and it's been a while since i said

i'm sorry .
Staind- it's been a while.
funny how someone else's thoughts starts a new day and beginning for you.

maniere sit in die boom

one thing i have learned about these Turks are that they are exceptionally rude. and for some reason very sour.housekeeping especially. i was sitting on my bed having a fag when a Turkish woman with a white and yellow uniform slammed open my door and started shouting at me in Turkish. well if this is the game we are playing i might as well shout back in Afrikaans.

whenever they start speaking to me in Turkish i rant off in Afrikaans. dis mos nou so mense. and so the housekeeping entertainer war started. with us walking all over their sheets and them not cleaning properly. so guess what mom i know now how to clean a house (or room ) and fold my clothes nicely...booya.
oh yes and you remember that nice white towel . yes.that is sticky cola all over it.

natisha -1 housekeeping-0

a turkish picnic

it has been a long disastrous week. Monday starting off with me and my dance partner falling flat on our asses in front of a whole crowd. and it was only the second number . we had too get through a whole show together. no ,i was not happy and yes ,i was cussing him through my teeth. but he did previously apologise in his Russian accent after. so all is forgiven. then we had a children's show where i was dressed in a luminous green and yellow penguin suit - yes- playing a "curious penguin" do you know how much water you loose in such a suit when it is 28 degrees at night? and the week ended off with me almost scuffing a broom up a Turkish doos's ass. he told me too shut up. and as you know i do not respond well too people who hush me inappropriately.

my legs are still the same and not healing properly.

so this day off was much needed.after a long bus ride we arrived at a picnic spot in Alanya. and it absolutely took my breath away. idyllic.it was in the mountains with streams and waterfalls.

i was not brave enough though too get into the water , if i want cold water i will go swim in cape town. but all in all the day was a good one . filled with reading, eating and normalness for a change. the days are starting to get long and the nights very lonely.but i calm myself with memories of Africa and what is waiting for me back home. a new job ,a new life too start, a new dream. the song inside my heart can make dreams come true and i will be singing that song "uit volle bors" once again soon.
so i leave you with this..
we don't know where we were before we came too this world . we don't know where we will go once we leave it. some say we'll grow wise if we contemplate this mystery. perhaps though we will just go crazy. forced with the inexplicable how can any of our actions have a purpose? does it matter if we do what we want? give up whenever we want? but it does matter. when we respect eachoter and show compassion and sensitivity we become kind and wise. and that gives our lives meaning.

Some say love, it is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
and you its only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dyin'
that never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been to long,
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong,
just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose.
bette midler- the rose

a little alanis for the heart..

You'll rescue me right?
In the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right?
When your healing powers kick in

You'll complete me right?
Then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right?
Only when you realize the gem I am?

But this won't work now the way it once did
And I won't keep it up even though I would love to
Once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

This ring will help me yet as will you knight in shining armor
This pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

But this won't work as well as the way it once did
Cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
And though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode

This won't work now the way it once did
Cuz I want to deside between servival and bliss
Now I know who I'm not
I don't I still don't know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victom

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends


These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with childhood best friends
Alanis morisette- precious illusions.

always and ever the same.

I have come to notice that the more you miss your family the more you start taking on some of their personality traits. nannies coupela. i is not lie.
i first began to notice this when i fiercely started cleaning my room every second minute ( my mother is completely anal about being organized.) NR.1.

NR 2 came when i starting fearing balloons. yes plain kiddo balloons because when they burst next to me . near me even 250 km away from me i wet myself instantly.
( my dad hates balloons and fear them more than spiders)

NR.3 i am starting to not give a shit about what people say or think of me and when they do me wrong i open my mouth and voice my opinion until it is decides that i am after all right in which ever matter. always. ( and this one is definitely my very stubborn sister)

and then theres still the me who picks up lost abandoned kittens. birds . dogs . well almost anything i can love really.
mahali meet everyone. everyone meet mahali full name "kalahari".

she just jumped out of a bush one day and started biting my feet. it was love at first sight. during the day she stays with security and i go and feed her there ( who knew that the Turks actually have hearts.)and at night when i finish working i fetch the little bundle and she sleeps next to my ears and purrs like a tractor. of course i did give her a good wash first and cleaned out them ears.

and every morning at 6 i get up( when she starts biting my chin ) and go and leave her to play outside in the trees. where security watches over her. she really brings me joy with her personality and cheekiness.

i have made amazing friends. companions and i can even understand a little portugeuse now. when i need cigarettes there is always a bobo near. when i need someone to party with and laugh with there is always a jessie near. someone to throw me around in the pool- lukie.

i have come to love you all.

NEVER A DULL MOMENT IN TURKEY,SEVEN SEAS.

a turkish story

the scene opens with a string quartet playing with a soft fluit fiddling around in between the notes. you spot a girl standing in a golden Charleston dress complete with headband and fishnets and while she stairs into the dark convention centre she wishes the world would just stop for a moment. because emotionally she cannot anymore. she is too tired to realize when she is hungry. too tired too realize when she's alone or thirsty for that matter. so far this story has been a hard and brutal one . filled with not only afrikaans and English swear words. you do pick up alot when you listen.

then again when a Brazilian tells you your fat would you actually listen too a dark kroes kop tosser who thinks the sun shines out of is pula ass. phew got that out so now i feel better.

i threw my cubboard out of the window the other night . it kept falling on my head. and i just did not have the patience anymore. whoops. i could hear my moms voice in the back of my head actually.

and now whenever i feel frustrated i just thow sheize out of the window.
I've been scratching myself in the night so my bed in the mornings look like I've had a fight with a moerse mosquito and lost. badly. and Turkish housekeeping ain't really a fan of us so i have learned to steal sheets every second day and make my bed all shiny and new. biatches.

this job has it's perks though. i have had the opportunity too swim in the middle of the ocean while eating watermelon on a boat. we went paraseiling . (you have to do that once in your life) and some days are really good . filled with a little sunshine and laughter. speaking about sunshine it gets up to 50 degrees in this place so the Ukrainian oameni are half brain damaged every daY. if you cant handle the heat get out of the kitchen i say. but the routines are getting a little boring . i am not German nor Russian but i use this to my advantage if i don't feel like speaking to a horny turk i just reply "no englease . priviette. Russian" . yes i am a bitch like that. i even showed the finger too a photographer when he called me German for the umpteenth time and thought it funny. not so funny anymore now are we?loo loo loo i've got some apples loo loo loo you want soe too?

i miss a real live house. one with a stove and a television blaring out load and a dog going out her mind. the smell of butternut and cape town combined on a Saturday.

been listening too miss shakira's "Africa" over and over. when it plays I'm the only one on the dance floor with Germans staring at me like I've had too much too drink... well i will bite though. that requires no use of illegal substances. i am strong.

You're a good soldier
Choosing your battles
Pick yourself up
And dust yourself off
Get back in the saddle
You're on the front line
Everyone's watching
You know it's serious
We're getting closer
This isn't over

The pressure's on; you feel it
But you got it all; believe it
When you fall, get up, oh oh
And if you fall, get up, eh eh
Tsamina mina zangalewa
Cause this is Africa
Tsamina mina eh eh
Waka waka eh eh
Tsamina mina zangalewa
This time for Africa

Listen to your god; this is our motto
Your time to shine
Don't wait in line
Y vamos por todo
People are raising their expectations
Go on and feel it
This is your moment
No hesitation

Today's your day
I feel it
You paved the way,
Believe it
If you get down
Get up oh, oh
When you get down,
Get up eh, eh

Tsamina mina zangalewa
This time for Africa
Tsamina mina eh eh
Waka waka eh eh
Tsamina mina zangalewa
Anawa aa
Tsamina mina eh eh
Waka waka eh eh
Tsamina mina zangalewa
This time for Africa

shakira- it's time for Afrika

my hart is in afrika.

Toe die wêreld hier nog jong was en die horison wyd en oop
Was dit groen hier in die halfrond, suid van die ewenaar
En in die skemer as die son sak en die beeste huis toe loop
Klink die roepstem van die vrouwe oor die heuvels van die land:
Halala, ewig is ons Afrika.Tula tula mtanami, tula tula sanaboni, tula tula mtanami,Ubab uzobuya sihlale naye, ubab uzobuya sihlale sonke, Hmmm-Hmmm
Toe kom die skepe uit die weste, wit seile oor die see
Om te vra vir kos en water en te bly vir so veel meer.
En die land wat een tyd oop was, die land het ons verruil
Vir die ghetto’s van die stede is ons koperdraad gegee.
Halala, ewig is ons AfrikaHalala, sasiphila, kamnandi, halala, mayibuye AfrikaTula tula mtanami, tula tula sanaboni, tula tula mtanami,Ubab uzobuya sihlale naye, ubab uzobuya sihlale sonke, Hmmm-Hmmm
Daar was rykdom in die maag van ons moeder Afrika
Diamante en ook steenkool, goud, edel metaal
En die mense word die slawe hier want die mense word betaal
Om te tonnel in die aarde elke greintjie uit te haal
En die groot en oop grasvlaktes span dit toe met doringdraad
En van die olifant tot die gemsbok al die diere moes kom buig
Voor die mag van die grootwildjagter voor die mag van sy groot geweer
Totdat net die stilte oorbly, totdat net die stilte heers.

Halala, ewig is ons Afrika.
Halala, sasiphila, kamnandi, halala, mayibuye AfrikaSasidjapolutjoloythina
Halala, sasiphila, kamnandi, halala, mayibuye Afrika

never fear when brufen is near.

so yes. all was going well. too well indeed..

i was bollywooding a little too much and shaking my hips in a trance when i felt the all familiar pain stinging up my right leg.

i managed to land myself in a turkey hospital on an x-ray table in my underwear. and they are not particularly polite with "please mam take off your pants" it's sommer they take it off for you..can we at least have coffee first and get to know each other?jeeze people..

with my ass hanging out in the proses of a sonar,i have never felt so vulnerable and exposed in my life. but at least it's only a minor injury, or in my head. it's a soft tissue tear. witch means it's a tear in my muscle..im all patched up and drugged up on brufen, cataflam and what nog.so a few days rest and I'll be as good as new..i hope..

hold thumbs because being confined in a little hotel locker room thing with only Turkish channels the whole day?.nein.

ich schpreuken di deuch..

okay so After a few weeks in turk land i am happy to Report that i am alive and well..well sort off. i have never in my life heard so many variations of my name or surname "van zul" being one of them.with the work load being ridiculously hard and the Temperaturen variating from extremely cold to unbearingly hot i am coping as well as can hope for. except that my blog is nou in turkish and i have to master german in the next month.

the food is unbelievably good, with cinnabuns and coffee in the morning. boxes of cigarettes and a few spagetti's here and there while doing some shopping.. i am amazed by the diversity. the diffrent languages ,cultures and beliefs. our dance captains consists out of brasilians,ukranians and russians. there is a communication barrier that you cannot believe and playing charades has become the norm.
or speakings broken the english, dah?

i am being mistaken for a russian almost everyday and have heard the question "from Africa? but why you not black"? countless times. no i do not ride on an elephant to school and no i do not have a pet lion in my back yard boet.

our days consist out of getting up in the morning at 8hoo for breakfast dancing from 9:30 till 12:30 breaking for lunch untill 14:00 then dancing untill 18:00. after that we have a sort of team building effort at 21:00 untill 23:00 there after bed and believe you me it is fucking amazing to get under a duvet and getting off your feet. on saturdays and sundays we have a german course from 9:30 untill 1:30 and dancing from 15:oo untill yes ,you guessed it 18:oo. i now now the meaning of ADD. to make matters worse the german teacher does not understand a word of english and can only speak turkish or german. with almost 11 languages translating and shouting over eachother words get lost in translation for example "seosons of the year" comes out the other side as "time of place".

It is a beutifull country with some amazing landscapes. although we are so close to the sea. you never smell or hear it like in South-Africa. i miss that. and the turks are very much greasy and has the dirty look going. and i must say, God bless skype for without it i would have been a wreck. i even speak to my dog.


some days are good and some days are bad. trix taught me t "dance deur die pyn" with a andre schwarts move.

but we all speak the universal language of dance, and it is amazing to see how it is all coming together. we are bollywooding the shit out of everyday and i have learned how to used my hips and to co-ornitate like a professional.


i am having the time of my life with friends whom i love and laugh with everyday.and learning some ukranian on the side. priat nava apetita. im sure you can figure that one out.

for now it is al wedersein.and guten aben from my side.

Domestic violence.

i have landed. after a gruelling 13hour flight to Istanbul and an hour flight to Antalya i am sitting and blogging from the front stoep of Kemer's Magic life.

i have dehidrated myself with crying. up to the point where my face and hands were sticky with salt.i felt the Cape town sun on my face for the last time as the plain turned and watched the hood go by.

but enough of that. i want to speak about something that is more important than me, you or any coountry.something that i do not begin to understand or accept in any way.

"she loves him. he is the father of her child. and yet he picked up a knife and stabbed her in the back"
familiar? it happens more than you know.

i am dedicating this blog to woman who takes abuse everyday. emotionally and phisically. you need to stand up and fight. let your voice be heard. you need to send the bastard on his way before he takes your preciuos life. that's so worth living. Alcohol or drugs are no excuse. it is an easy way of blaming something else. a coward's way and mentality.

i dedicate this to every woman whom has had to lie about that blue eye in the morning or that broken bone for the upteenth time.

i dedicate this to every woman who has lost her life defending her child.

leave before he leaves you for death. you are worth so much more. Ask for help and you will be supported.
you need to realize he will not change.no matter how many presents. flowers or over seas trips he books. the monster will always be hiding inside waiting. wanting. needing.

just because you are not affected does not mean it does not happen and you can turn a blind eye. it is your job as a friend, a mother, a sister to do something. October is domestic violence awereness month. start thinking what your part will be.make a diffrence in 2010.

He who takes away your dignity. your humanity and self worth does not deserve second or third chances.

STOP VIOLENCE.

a james bond attitude.

i am scared. it has been established.
also the reason why is that i will be getting on a plane Sunday 21 March to depart to turkey.
.alone.
a black swan- it is beyond the normal realm of human expectation, it is unusual and peculiar. this is what 'alone' means to me. not so much that I'm a "hang on my mommy's dress" kind. I'm just very fond of human emotional contact and reassurance with a holding of the hand or even just a face. if you tell me where the light went , I'll tell you where it's from. yes alright i sometimes do have the backbone of a newborn rodeo star, but this is a big deal. and once again i got myself into trouble. the unknown. onseker. onstabiel.onsteld. ons-ons onder n boom.
watching a documentary last night of the boy who's skin fell off - a line that he said jumped out at me and caught me by the balls- that to accept what's to come you finally have to say goodbye.

thinking not just in the situation that I'm in , but also in relasionshits, in life, even in selling a home or a dream, this is played by everyday.

so Sunday i will hold my head up high and i will get on that plane ready to work. i presume i will be having a hangover though from drinking the night before. i hope. that will make it easier. so for all you bastards out there who'll miss my face? get skype.

(yes, i am crying while writing this. bugger off)


Desmond has a barrow in the market place
Molly is the singer in a band
Desmond says to Molly girl I like your face
And Molly says this as she takes him by the hand.

Obladi oblada life goes on bra
Lala how the life goes on
Obladi oblada life goes on bra
Lala how the life goes on.

Desmond takes a trolley to the jewellers store
Buys a twenty carat golden ring
Takes it back to Molly waiting at the door
And as he gives it to her she begins to sing.

In a couple of years they have built
A home sweet home
With a couple of kids running in the yard
Of Desmond and Molly Jones.

Happy ever after in the market place
Molly lets the children lend a hand
Desmond stays at home and does his pretty face
And in the evening she's a singer with the band.


And if you want some fun, take obladi blada.

the Beatles- Obladi oblada

the small things.

the small things.

bon voyage.

so in Turkey news today.Trix and sam will be flying Tuesday 16 March 2010. Natisha will be following when work permit is ready.






Thank you too everyone who made the effort of coming to the farewell thrown by us. it was an amazing night . Ending up at Mcdonalds at 4 in the morning and doing some quite daring bussiness in a car. made for a good last night.