i haven't blogged in a while. but i received a gift worth blogging about ...one of those gifts that touches your core, your being and what makes you YOU.

it's nothing spectacular like a car or something that will make you do back flips, but something that you will guard with your entire existence. which you will, if you are lucky receive once in your life.
 a cd.
 a plain little fragile cd,
with 15 songs.
each song represents a moment in my life, a memory,..

 i almost forgot what it felt like to feel special, to mean something, to be important.

 I've always said in my life that if i made a difference in one person's life that would be enough, and tonight as i sit here i realize my worth and what i mean. it took a cd to give me the push i needed.
never let yourself become a shadow, a grain of sand or just a gust of wind. you are worth so much more.


Two constant people in my life. i was floored at how well these two people knew me, and then i realized how many years of friendship, tears, love , laughter and fights there has been between us. weddings, funerals, heart attacks and heart break.

i leave you with the words of one of the songs.. may it bring you the peace it brought me...

Put your make-up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?

Get your sexy on
Don't be shy, girl
Take it off
This is what you want, to belong, so they like you
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Mm, mm

Get your shopping on, at the mall, max your credit cards
You don't have to choose, buy it all, so they like you
Do they like you?

Wait a second,
Why, should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself, do you like you?
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Mm, mm

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Take your make-up off
Let your hair down
Take a breath
Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don't you like you?
'Cause I like you

colby caillat- try

2013

so 2014 is here, she never knocked or warned us, she just barged in with champagne  in hand, obliviously drunk and said, "i'm HERE".. like an awkward teenager who just told a joke , that failed epically, leaving everyone with this blank , disgusted expression.

2013 was a year full of those awkward, heart breaking moments. while I sit here and look back, it probably changed some of my views on the human race entirely.

you learn to condition yourself towards people's attitude. you try your best to be there and BE the person you think they WANT you to be, the calm, collected ,the  wise one. while you loose little bit's of your voice. until you reach the point where you no longer can or want to speak.

i lost my first animal prematurely , after she suffered a stroke and died on my carpet.

 bought a new little peke boy, who we named Kimi Raikkonen  (if you fail to recognized  this name you are a retard and  i  choose not to be in your company ) and so a few weeks after kimi became part of the family, he drowned.

i have never felt sadness on such a level in my life. this intense, heartbreak that makes you scratch at your heart, because maybe if you scratch the hurt out , you can survive, maybe if you just hush this cold wind driving itself through the rooms of your heart , you can start to survive.

but 2013 wasn't all bad, i rediscovered the magical , yet complex bond that two sister's share.

how, no matter if we just fought over something completely ridiculous, whenever we need each other , it's just a phone call away.

i am blessed to have my parents share another year with me.

emotionally 2013 was a year that challenged beliefs, loyalty, friendships ,love and health.

childhood dreams was replaced with reality.

i was broken down to my core and build up again.

some battles you have lost and some you won, by the root of your nail, but you did it.

my wish for 2014 is , that it will be no different. that we will keep on learning, challenging and expecting. rather be adventurous and daring than a bottled up glass of water, add a bit of gin and tonic and a lemon , if you're brave.

but always be YOU.

i learned that obsession can be a dangerous thing, and that it can destroy you from the inside out like venom. you are not always responsible for how you feel, but you are responsible for how you act.  So apologize one more time, drink one more glass of good wine and buy the jean that's obscenely expensive, because you may not have the chance again. be there for someone, regardless of what they have done to you.

may 2014 bring you everything and nothing. God speed.