Thursday, November 25, 2010

Its either too late.not the right time.no time.your nice but not my nice- the universe has this sick twisted way of playing with me like a cat terrorising a mouse -looks cute and adorable this is just before ripping it too nothing. The thing is when is it going to be my time?when am I going to get a break. A small one even.I have always taken things in my stride and I will always keep on doing it and being'that girl' and if be so then fuck you universe.

Monday, November 22, 2010

October -national depression and anxiety month

i don't sell sex, i sell a story.but yet they ignore me because of this.
i have made good friends and have lost great one's.
i have struggled through something you would see as childish and up surd and i have become stronger than you were yesterday or the day before . i have missed life and have regained love.somewhere in between i found myself in a box and with some help - burned it -broke it -spat on it.

i have cried and beaten a floor to near pulp,but it never answered. i am ticked off by things i laugh at the next and i cry when I'm happy now.
i love my family.but i cant stand them sometimes.
i am confused.and i cuss because i don't know how to put words too my feelings, but i can make you laugh.
i have clinical depression yet i am blind in one eye and that receives more attention. i have the scars, but some never healed
i always thought it was her but it was me all along..
i find peace and acceptance in water yet i drown very easily in words and stares..
i am frightened of my own mind but i speak it more often than i should.
i love with my whole heart and i have only a little piece left because of that
i want to be everything yet i struggle to show people who i am..
i am afraid of the shadows but i have a lifetime of shadows in my head. more . always . more.i love the sun but stay behind your curtains.
i am NOT broken.you are just not seeing. i have a story to tell.
can i hide my face in your jacket for a while?....


October was national awareness for anxiety and clinical depression. more and more young people are taking their own lives because of everyday stress- bullying or just not feeling adequate enough for anyone or anything. i read about a 12 year old swallowing a bottle of pills and leaving a suicide note

is society expecting too much? just dragging us by the ears and throw you away like your an old pair of shoes? what is acceptable? and what is not?does it even matter?

i think the message I'm trying to get across is that everyday is a battle for someone with anxiety and depression . not just October. support and be grateful you are not at war with your feelings or yourself.it doesn't always help telling someone to rise above it. open your eyes. your ears and your heart.
support. protect and listened.

what is it worth? n droom? n doelwit? of het jy al vergeet? is dit erens weg gebere tussen al die ander "ek wil eendag" wees? ...

daar word altyd gese ons moet drome volg en alles in ons klein vermoe probeer om teword wat jou hart na hinker. al maak ek my hart oop vir my drome staan verandwoordelikheid mos nou mooi groot in rooi ligte- soos n ding wat sy laaste bietjie energie probeer op gebruik voor hy uitbrand. of soos n sign voor n hoerhuis. buy one get one free. dis sad want lewe het so duur geword dat jy nie meer kan bekostig om tedroom nie.


Gaan jy wag vir die oulike growwe rock n roll droom of gaan jy die ouditeer pad vat in jou glas kantoor. gaan jy n ballerina stywe klap hare maak elke aand of gaan jy die blonde kop mediese geniaal word? n perd ruiter of n politikus? scrap that- daar is fokkol geld in politiek- net probleme.


ek wil graag in n smokey jazz club sing tot 1uur in die oggende en net geld nodig het wanneer EK dit nodig het- but it doesn't work that way. knyp jou oe toe so hard soos wat jy kan? het jy geteleport? nee. -EXACTLY!

die ding is- wanneer se jy genoeg is genoeg? die droom is nou verby? dis gemeng,gemors en net globaal( soos my spelling) deurmekaar.jou drome is soos n naweek langs n afrika sonsondergang - soms is jy so bevoorreg om dit tebeleef,maar jy moet altyd terug keer realiteit toe en na mense wat jy wil spoeg. dis deel van groot word en groot mens. but sometimes in between the spitting ,you have a moment of dream.

om te droom of nie?

wat is dit vir jou werd? n droom? n doelwit? of het jy al vergeet? is dit erens weg gebere tussen al die ander "ek wil eendag" wees? ...


daar word altyd gese ons moet drome volg en alles in ons klein vermoe probeer om teword wat jou hart na hinker. al maak ek my hart oop vir my drome staan verandwoordelikheid mos nou mooi groot in rooi ligte- soos n ding wat sy laaste bietjie energie probeer op gebruik voor hy uitbrand. of soos n sighn voor n hoer huis. buy one get one free. dis sad want lewe het so duur geword dat jy nie meer kan bekostig om tedroom nie.

Gaan jy wag vir die oulike growwe rock n roll droom of gaan jy die ouditeer pad vat in jou glas kantoor. gaan jy n ballerina stywe klap hare maak elke aand of gaan jy die blonde kop mediese geniaal word? n perd ruiter of n politikus? scrap that- daar is fokkol geld in politiek- net probleme. ek wil graag in n smokey jazz club sing tot 1uur in die oggende en net geld nodig het wanneer EK dit nodig het- but it doesn't work that way. knyp jou oe toe so hard soos wat jy kan? het jy geteleport? nee. -EXACLY!


die ding is- wanneer se jy genoeg is genoeg? die droom is nou verby? dis gemeng,gemors en net fokken deurmekaar.jou drome is soos n naweek langs n afrika sonsondergang - maar jy moet altyd terug keer realiteit toe en na mense wat jy wil spoeg. dis deel van groot word en groot mens. but sometimes in between the madness

Thursday, November 11, 2010

cape town rain

There's something about your own room,your own bed-the smell,the sounds,even the shadows are comforting.listening to the soft cape town rain-how much I have missed it,with my dog and cat safely tucked under my blanket.to me the stars always look so shiny and new after a good rain-i know quite an upsurd thought-but they look polished and rediscovered by the sky. I love it.