33 days bitches.

happiness in a can fruit jar. 33 days and counting and then i is in the beingness of being home.

just let it all fall in line- never look back

it was only a smile . nothing more. nothing less.it did not make everything all right , it did not make anything all right.only a smile. a tiny thing. a leave taken by the wind in the woods.or shaken at the startled of a birds flight.
a smile . a message. i miss you.
that i will take with open arms, because when spring comes it melts the snow one flake at a time.and maybe i just felt my first flake melting.

i have been burned so many times that i push away before i get swept away.
like Marilyn said. ": leave before you are left"

and i always end up in a sticky mess of sad delight but putting a wall around your heart does not keep you safe. it just keeps people out.and the silence falls into the space between spaces and you end up having endless conversations with yourself ( yes. eherm ,i even answer now and again)and so you loose all connection with honesty and reality just because you are a pussy.so while im standing in the middle screaming at the top of my lungs i will remember how afraid i was yesterday.but not today.

Your address hangs on my wall
And I've got nothing at all
To remember you by
But I've been waiting for days on end
For you to call
And I never got to say good-bye
To you, my friend

And I swear that I can feel you
Creeping underneath my skin
And it feels like Heaven to me, sometimes
But I don't understand
Why you just can't let me in
And I close my eyes and just let it all fall in line

And we could wait a while
Let everything have it's way
Crack a secret, subtle smile
And everything will be OK
But I promise you that I won't leave you here
I couldn't do that to myself
And not again, not with you, my friend

And I swear that I can feel you
Creeping underneath my skin
And it feels like Heaven to me, sometimes
But I don't understand
Why you just can't let me in
And I close my eyes and just let it all fall in line

And just let it all
Let it all fall in line
And just let it all
Let it all fall in line
And just let it all
Let it all fall in line Roberto skoros- in line

silent nights in Africa.

"it is not the eye that see's the beauty of heaven, nor is it the ear that hears the sweetness of music or the glad tidings of a prosperous occurrence , but the soul, that preceives all the relishes of sensual and intellectual perfections and the more nobler and excellent the soul, the greater and more savory are it's perceptions."


die absolute punt van my kinderlike geluk. die woede maak my naar en brand my van binne af. ek wil skree. en vra hoe pienk wyn en frangelico weggegooi kan word in die wind. dinge gaan nooit weer dieselfde wees nie. my hart is stukkend vir Afrika. a distant memory now only to bring up salty tears and angry words filled sadness. dis n bitter pil om tesluk. n onnodige pil. n skielike uit die bloute uit pil- like a plane crashing for no apparent reason. n ander mens. n ander lewe. he reminded me of Robert Redfort. his inner calm. the wisdom taht shouted from his soft eyes and his gentle blond reddish glowing hair. but never ever without his cool. and then one day it broke. everything smashed too the floor and no one heard the shattering of the pieces.

sometimes i wish i could bleach my frontal loab and make everything white- blank- no memory- no nothing. but then again i would have nothing to learn from.

Silent night, broken night
All is fallen when you take your flight
I found some hate for you
Just for show
You found some love for me
Thinking I'd go
Don't keep me from crying to sleep
Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night, moonlit night
Nothing's changed
Nothing is right
I should be stronger than weeping alone
You should be weaker than sending me home
I can't stop you fighting to sleep
Sleep in heavenly peace
Damien Rice- silent night

bloed is mos maar dukker as water.

i have been raised to always believe in people and too always see the good. i was moulded and formed by a warm ,caring ,loving family. sometimes absolutely crazy but fiercely loyal and always honest.my dad always says " it's when i stop fighting i stop caring. so i will never stop"


in my life i have been hurt by people because of this fairytale believe of mine. defending , holding on too something that no longer exist, being blinded. they have lied and cheated me. using me to manipulate and cheap lipstick me.being betrayed by someone you let into you heart, your family, your life stings more than anything in one's life. i am 23 years old and it took me this long too realize how important my family is too me and how they keep me alive every single day.

my dad for always being there , even at 4 in the morning when i was covered in blood, even when we shout at each other or i need money.
my mom for always steering me in the right direction from a youngen. and for all the love and understanding.
my sister for giving me some of the best memories i have..like on a subway in New york. when she is angry at Kfc or when she's driving in her little blue getz.
my cousins for the most exciting holidays. who can forget pietertjie.
my little brother Marc. whom i love dearly and who has been through so much in his life and turned out to be a handsome strong young man with a mind of his own but a heart that cares for his mother and his family to an extent that he will probably move in with me and my sus one day. ( imagine the three musketeers X9) we are going to have defenders and own a ranch in the moremie with horses you know we have it all planned out.
Louis , livies, whom i always argue with , moenie my sweetie pie noem nie. because it's fun if it's about music or love and the sneaky things we do or if it's just being lazy by ouma and oupa van chaka's swimming pool playing that ridiculous swimming game.

klein ben. for being a teenager and giving us endless grief. we love you none the less.
Lorine for being there for my mom when she needed you. i will always appreciate that, and for always believing in me and the little van zyl not to mention making us look fabulous over December holidays. for being so outgoing and a hell of a personality.
amor, for being an absolute inspiration all my life, you taught me the importance of family and sticking togheter,that you can be anything you put your mind too if it's one of the best athletes in south- Africa ( 6Th in the comrades marathon) or one of he best doctors.
Lanie ,Neil for the family holidays in the moremie and he pee pot never quite making it through the night without someone either stepping in it or messing nice warn urine everywhere in the tent. and also the amazing love you have for each other.a connection beyond words.
lane for inventing "oom krokodil" (yes, my dad is crocodile Dundee and my hero.) and for being such a smart ass who makes us laugh with your little sayings.
Ewan for keeping me fit over holidays , not only my body but my brain,because he is such a brilliant sports man and one of the most intelligent little people i know. einstein se moer..
and then the family glue , the two grandmothers and my grandfather . ouma van joetsie you will defend your family and your children with your life.your dirty jokes and your sense of humour is such a delight for a 80 year old woman you are going strong and there's no sopping you.
oupa and ouma van chaka. for all the walks and surprises. if it's running around with a walking stick swearing at someone, drinking cola and water thinking it's whiskey or ouma's amazing baked potatoes and soft voice that instantly makes you always feel so much better and loved.

these people are my life. i live and breath for them. and we will always have each other no matter what. we will always be there for each other. we will never hurt lie or steal from each other and we will never take one another for granted. i thank the Lord for all of you every day. you keep me on my toes, you keep me smiling with your stories and you keep my heart warm.

appreciate every conversation. every phonecall , every goodmorning and goodnight for your family is the most precouis thing besides you.and one day when you are old and you look back you will never be alone for you will have the most splendid memories to look back on.never go to bed angry and always tell them, whenever you have the chance, every time, you love them. no "if's or but's"
i love you.

seven sea's cleaning team

my second favourite sunset.

but Cape town i do miss you more and you will always be my first..<3

seven seas cleaning team ja.

love devine.

I have had the privilege in my life to meet many a strange character. Some of them became friends and stayed on this path with me through storms and troubles and some took the first exit out. It is not everyday that you find someone with a sense of humor ,the nerves and patience that can handle me but that is just what happened.

Two mountain bikers.A beautiful blue eyed boy and a Romanian with a heart of gold came into my life a view months ago and since then we have been inseparable . with countless laughs,swearwords and cigarettes between us we have made memories that Will last me a lifetime. The first time i met bobo he was sitting behind me asking me why do all dancers have tan lines? I responded sarcastically that we knit sweaters in the sun and then proceeded to call him “little bo-peep” he did NOT like that very much. Luki i saw for the first time hiding underneath his cap with his long curly locks falling out from the sides. The first time we spoke was due to the reason that he has visited cape town before and i happened to see this in his passport. (me being inquisitive nash ofcourse). Little did i know while blabbing on too fast he could not understand a word i was saying. No wonder he just stood there with a smile nodding. Luki i must say your English has improved immensely..


thank you for being my family when i had none here and for all your love and friendship and for letting me burst into your room whenever i feel like it..”do you have a lighter” or “hi there”
The three musketeers.
Thank you for taking the time to begin to understand me,excepting me and even reminding me when too take medication or go and eat, for helping me anywhere possible from cigarettes to holding me when i cried, for the swims luki and bobo for teaching me how too put my feelings into words and never really actually getting out,for all the precious moments you gave to me.

I hate having to say goodbye and i have never been good at it. as bobo is leaving the 18Th of September and after that it will be me and luki. Good because i can only handle one goodbye at a time.
Here it didn’t matter what kind of music you listen too or how you dressed it was about who you are inside . and to the two of you i wish you well and we will see us soon DA.?. This is not goodbye just a “see you later”.you will always and forever be in my heart.

“What is this ja, amana.....?”

This blog is dedicated to Lukas Muller and Bogdan Cacovean.