life lessons.choices and booze.

"ek grawe na my hart en in my vlees om myself te herinner dat ek nog iets kan voel"


as i sit here writing this it is apparent that i have been through so much this year, and my birthday is coming up.. i remember the girl i used to be in my previous life, and yes i'm referring to it as my "previous life" because that girl does not exist anymore, she has been fundamentally changed within, her views, her attitude, and the way she will be handling situations and people in the future. i have learned a few hard lessons this year, i have lost the most important element in my life and i have been changed for the better, to not make the same mistakes again...but also how to survive rock bottom.

a few lessons i have learned this year.

imagining scenarios that will never happen, is just that. so stop imagining and make peace with what you have and had, that it will never be retrieved. so taste your words before you spit them out.  accept your new normal. ever seen a kid holding a grudge? they don't, they are looking for the next tree to climb. so do just that. start climbing trees.

the human brain.
 nature makes a beautiful machine, it allows you to recover after an accident. your body can heal dead tissue and regenerate into something stronger. but no medicine can ever heal what is physically or emotionally broken, broken heart, broken fairy tales or broken memories, so don't dull what you are supposed to feel with substances,or anything else for that matter, that will just prolong your healing process and just fuck you up more. period. so dive, head first. GERONIMO.

when you wake up and your mouth tastes like pavement, you try to remind yourself that you are a fighter, but yet you still stare at the railroad tracks, stop staring. it can't help you get to the other side, you have to do that all by your little lonesome, so get up and start walking.


you can never take back how you made people feel in a moment, so be wise with that moment, calm, cool and collected, people might not always respect your feelings, but that does not mean you should not  respect theirs...

those forced friendships never last and they will fail, sooner rather than later, so trust your intuition and learn to listen. come to terms with the fact that there is darkness in this world, and it comes in forms that you least expect it, from people you least expect.

i have learned how to appreciate the silence and the voices. the incredible yearning for someone.

i have learned how to get through the regrets and the should haves,
 what if's and why's.

 i still believe in love  (ignore the rolling eyes for a minute) and where there is love it will triumph and find it's way either back or where it should have been in the first place.

i appreciate everyone who helped me get to 28, for a moment there it was touch and go.
thank you for being part of my story and part of my new life.


cheers 28. it's been good.

scars

I have come to realize that after surviving this year, not much can shake me anymore. i have learned the necessity of just being in survival mode and I have been fundamentally changed within my being, gained a few scars and bruises and swallowed some sand. To understand cruelty, to really grasp the magnitude of it, you need to break in order to survive it.

but today.

today I realized why i love children. why i prefer the company of  a child and what a child can teach me, a grown up, about circumstances and life.

there's no romance in a scar, it is a reminder of the mark left by black holes.

as a radio presenter you have certain privileges, and today one of my privileges was to visit the red cross children's hospital, the burn unit, to hand out teddy bears. some people do it for the shine, to put on a mask and let the world see " the good side of them".

me?

I love children. To make a child laugh is my greatest pleasure and gift.
The potent honesty of a child would make a grown man cry.

As I walked in, putting on the gown, mask and washing my hands,I came to the realization that this is their reality, plastic covered visitors.

 a little girl grabbed my attention immediately, she reminded me so much of a little girl whom I cared for so much in a previous life.,..as we started up a conversation her confidence and ease made me feel peaceful in a somewhat uncomfortable situation, her body covered in raw skin and nothing but a blanket.
her school dress caught fire.

she looked at me and said: " jy is so mooi"

I stood there, not knowing what to reply. so I  told the little girl, that I too have scars, and i showed her my story, reassuring her that the best people have scars. it's our story. what we have overcome, what we are still yet to be. what we are made of.

she looked up at me and said.." so, ek gaan ook so mooi wees eendag"

as I was walking out , she called me back, kissed me on the cheek and created a memory that I will carry with me forever. i have been on the ledge a few times, standing there waiting for a reason or someone to talk me down, and now I have a reason, whenever I feel like jumping , I will remember this little girl.

today, she made me understand why I have scars, that they will always be a part of who I am, and that I must celebrate that, because one day i will find someone, who understands and appreciates my scars and who will stitch me back together.

scars.

You're setting off
It's time to go, the engine's running
My mind is lost
We always knew this day was coming
And now it's more frightening than it's ever going to be

We grow apart
I watch you on the red horizon
Your lion's heart
Will protect you under stormy skies

And I will always be listening for your laughter and your tears

And as soon as I can hold you once again

I won't let go of you, I swear

We lived through scars this time
But I've made up my mind

We can't leave us behind anymore

Your hands are cold
Your lips are turning blue, you're shaking

This fragile heart

So heavy in my chest is breaking
And in the dark, you try to make a payphone call to me

But you're miles away
You're breaking up, you're on your own
It's hard to take
I need an hour just to say hello

But I can't make the truth of this work out for you or me

And for all the pennies in your pocket,
We barely get a second just to speak

We lived through scars this time
But I've made up my mind
We can't leave us behind anymore
We'll have to hurt for now
But next time there's no doubt
'Cause I can't go without you anymore

We lived through scars this time

James bay- scars.

i haven't blogged in a while. but i received a gift worth blogging about ...one of those gifts that touches your core, your being and what makes you YOU.

it's nothing spectacular like a car or something that will make you do back flips, but something that you will guard with your entire existence. which you will, if you are lucky receive once in your life.
 a cd.
 a plain little fragile cd,
with 15 songs.
each song represents a moment in my life, a memory,..

 i almost forgot what it felt like to feel special, to mean something, to be important.

 I've always said in my life that if i made a difference in one person's life that would be enough, and tonight as i sit here i realize my worth and what i mean. it took a cd to give me the push i needed.
never let yourself become a shadow, a grain of sand or just a gust of wind. you are worth so much more.


Two constant people in my life. i was floored at how well these two people knew me, and then i realized how many years of friendship, tears, love , laughter and fights there has been between us. weddings, funerals, heart attacks and heart break.

i leave you with the words of one of the songs.. may it bring you the peace it brought me...

Put your make-up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?

Get your sexy on
Don't be shy, girl
Take it off
This is what you want, to belong, so they like you
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Mm, mm

Get your shopping on, at the mall, max your credit cards
You don't have to choose, buy it all, so they like you
Do they like you?

Wait a second,
Why, should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself, do you like you?
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Mm, mm

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Take your make-up off
Let your hair down
Take a breath
Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don't you like you?
'Cause I like you

colby caillat- try

2013

so 2014 is here, she never knocked or warned us, she just barged in with champagne  in hand, obliviously drunk and said, "i'm HERE".. like an awkward teenager who just told a joke , that failed epically, leaving everyone with this blank , disgusted expression.

2013 was a year full of those awkward, heart breaking moments. while I sit here and look back, it probably changed some of my views on the human race entirely.

you learn to condition yourself towards people's attitude. you try your best to be there and BE the person you think they WANT you to be, the calm, collected ,the  wise one. while you loose little bit's of your voice. until you reach the point where you no longer can or want to speak.

i lost my first animal prematurely , after she suffered a stroke and died on my carpet.

 bought a new little peke boy, who we named Kimi Raikkonen  (if you fail to recognized  this name you are a retard and  i  choose not to be in your company ) and so a few weeks after kimi became part of the family, he drowned.

i have never felt sadness on such a level in my life. this intense, heartbreak that makes you scratch at your heart, because maybe if you scratch the hurt out , you can survive, maybe if you just hush this cold wind driving itself through the rooms of your heart , you can start to survive.

but 2013 wasn't all bad, i rediscovered the magical , yet complex bond that two sister's share.

how, no matter if we just fought over something completely ridiculous, whenever we need each other , it's just a phone call away.

i am blessed to have my parents share another year with me.

emotionally 2013 was a year that challenged beliefs, loyalty, friendships ,love and health.

childhood dreams was replaced with reality.

i was broken down to my core and build up again.

some battles you have lost and some you won, by the root of your nail, but you did it.

my wish for 2014 is , that it will be no different. that we will keep on learning, challenging and expecting. rather be adventurous and daring than a bottled up glass of water, add a bit of gin and tonic and a lemon , if you're brave.

but always be YOU.

i learned that obsession can be a dangerous thing, and that it can destroy you from the inside out like venom. you are not always responsible for how you feel, but you are responsible for how you act.  So apologize one more time, drink one more glass of good wine and buy the jean that's obscenely expensive, because you may not have the chance again. be there for someone, regardless of what they have done to you.

may 2014 bring you everything and nothing. God speed.

demons

When the days are cold
 And the cards all fold
 And the saints we see Are all made of gold
 When your dreams all fail
 And the ones we hail
 Are the worst of all
And the blood's run stale

 I want to hide the truth
 I want to shelter you
 But with the beast inside
 There's nowhere we can hide
 No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
 This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

 When you feel my heat
 Look into my eyes
 It's where my demons hide
 It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
 It's dark inside
 It's where my demons hide
 It's where my demons hide

 Curtain's call Is the last of all
 When the lights fade out
 All the sinners crawl
 So they dug your grave
And the masquerade Will come calling out At the mess you made

 Don't want to let you down
But I am hell bound
 Though this is all for you
 Don't want to hide the truth
 No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

 When you feel my heat
 Look into my eyes
 It's where my demons hide
 It's where my demons hide
 Don't get too close
 It's dark inside
 It's where my demons hide
 It's where my demons hide

 They say it's what you make
 I say it's up to fate
 It's woven in my soul I need to let you go
 Your eyes, they shine so bright
 I want to save that light 
I can't escape this now Unless you show me how

 When you feel my heat
 Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
 It's where my demons hide
 Don't get too close
 It's dark inside
 It's where my demons hide
 It's where my demons hide

 Imagine Dragons - Demons

n vrou wil dit hoor..

Praat sag, vermy harde woorde.
 Bly lief want jy’t haar belowe.
 Wees sterk want sy het jou nodig.
Wees vir haar lig, bly leer om te vergewe.
Bly glo daar’s goed in die lewe.
Bly hoop want sy verwag dit van jou.

 Sy wil raak aan jou hart, sy wil vat aan jou siel.
 Sy wil als met jou deel, sorg dat jy haar nie verniel.
 Sy wil weet wat jou pla, wat’s jou heel diepste vrae.
 Moenie stil bly want ‘n vrou wil dit hoor.
 Sy wil sien hoe jy opstaan vir haar as jy moet.
Sy wil glo sy’s die vuur wat nog steeds in jou woed.
En dan hou jy haar vas, fluister sag in haar oor.
 Maak net seker dat jy haar nooit verloor. Want ‘n vrou wil dit hoor…..

Sien raak waarna sy strewe. En as haar moed haar begewe.
 Wees daar en se vir haar dat sy kan.
Wys haar die groter plan.

 Se meer dit wat haar opbou.
 Se meer dit waarvan sy hou.
 Kyk mooi na haar want sy’s lief vir jou. 

Elke hartklop, elke asem, ‘n Vrou wil dit hoor
. Elke hartklop, elke asem, ‘n Vrou wil dit hoor.
 Sy wil raak aan jou hart. Sy wil vat aan jou siel.
Sy wil als met jou deel, sorg dat jy haar nie verniel.
 Sy wil weet wat jou pla, wat’s jou heel diepste vrae.
 Moenie stil bly want ‘n vrou wil dit hoor.
Sy wil sien hoe jy opstaan vir haar as jy moet.
Sy wil glo sy’s die vuur wat nog steeds in jou woed.
 En dan hou jy haar vas, fluister sag in haar oor. Maak net seker dat jy haar nooit verloor.
 Want ‘n vrou wil dit hoor.

 Bobby Van Jaarsveld

optimistic about it..

i am the last one to stand on a chair and shout  "for fuck sakes just be optimistic, the glass is half full , not empty"..but alas if i was such a strong person i would not have thrown plates , hairdryers or cussed myself out in the mirror.


but just one day out of my life (a rare day, which can be seen distinct with the dodo) i have a halo around anything and everything.
i choose to stand up and smile.
i choose to not feel inadequate at  my job.
i choose to feel skinny.
i choose to feel like me..just for a day. i choose to be an optimist about situations.

it can be a song that triggers it, or my state of mind kicking me in the gut telling me i am perfect the way i am, and to not shy away from the bullshit life hands you. you can choose to handle situations differently everyday, you get to make that choice.
one day you may hate someones guts, the next day you choose to see the strong points of that persons personality.
don't let YOU get you down. i have learned to sometimes shut the voices out in my head, even for a moment, just to breath and collect. and then we can go on bickering over little nothingness's.
i chose today to be optimistic.
i chose to feel like i have the world at my feet, that i can flip you off and get away with it, to ignore office politics, who shared a bed with who and what your small mind dishes up about me daily.
i chose to sing out loud to the radio with my windows rolled down. ...

"    I was left to my own devices
 Many days fell away with nothing to show 
 And the walls kept tumbling down
 In the city that we love 
Great clouds roll over the hills,Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like Nothing changed at all? 
And if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like You've been here before? 

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

 We were caught up and lost in all of our vices
 In your poses the dust settled around us
 And the walls kept tumbling down
 In the city that we love ,Great clouds roll over the hills Bringing darkness from above

 But if you close your eyes,Does it almost feel like Nothing changed at all? 
And if you close your eyes,Does it almost feel like You've been here before?

 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

 Oh where do we begin?
 The rubble or our sins?
 Oh where do we begin?
 The rubble or our sins? 
 And the walls kept tumbling down
 In the city that we love ,Great clouds roll over the hills Bringing darkness from above
 But if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like Nothing changed at all? 
And if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like You've been here before?

 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?"

Bastille- pompeii