twenty thousand and sixteen hundredness.

 "the light of the morning see's you sleeping in my tent"...

2016 is here. you know where i stand with logic and resolutions. she is here, and what a hell of a year it's going to be.



i feel like i need to re introduce myself, 3kg heavier and happy. there it is..HAPPY. say what.
everyone laid their cards on the table and the truth came roaring out like a lion with a serious case of PMS.

i have been reading through some of my old writings, and i can recall each element that went into the writing process, the feeling, the motivation behind the post, each "what the eff"  and what i took from that particular piece of writing, how close i came to turning into a cynical, loathe myself, sarcastic eehrm .. (insert some kind of profanity related word). but then ...

i have found this boy, to you he might be someone ordinary just passing you by on the street buying some everyday household carton of heavy machinery , but to me, he is extraordinary,a little piece of magic. the intense love and mutual respect. giving me something to look forward to everyday.
as jou hart buite jou lyf rondloop

i never really blog about people, rather about experiences so that you , as person, can adapt these experiences and apply them to your current situation, and if so, to not make the mistakes i have made, you might learn from it or you might be inspired by it, but it must always leave you thinking. this boy is worth writing about.

you never realize how you have grown and how you have been shaped over the years by people, situations,choices or even words untill you follow a paper trail, either a diary, in my case my blog posts, e- mails, photo albums. you look back and you think you were a prissy little totter with no experience of life until it slapped you right across the face and left a nice flaming hand, no cup of tea or biscuit , just a nice donnerse  klap. you come to appreciate the difference in you and in your surroundings. damn, how far you have come little one.

and in ten years you'll look back on today and probably feel the same.

but that is what make's it fascinating and terrifying all at once. Facebook has this "what happened today in the 2000 and eleventy , (no no,read carefully). I always though  it was a crock of shit, until i looked back on a blog entry i  made 3 years ago,  do yourself a favor, ignore the skinny body or long hair you had way back yonder , or in my case the gaunt vacant stare with no life purpose,and appreciate how different your life and YOU are right NOW...

and how thankful you are.

 thankful you said hello to a stranger, gave your phone number in a moment of braveness..(or was it the wine)
 be thankful if you are sharing your life with a husband, a wife,partner, a child you might have had in the past few years, maybe expanded your family to two.
 The new house you just bought, the new job you might have started or going to start.
remember family and friends you lost...
new adventures.


point is, you are what you are NOW because of your past. embrace your future with care and BE THANKFUL.

2016 will be filled with long warm nights in a tent with a view...and a few g & T's in between.

and it is so easy with you.

Kom ons vat net die pad en gaan saam weg
Iewers waar daar niemand anders is
Daar waar ons nooit mekaar kan mis nie
In my hart voel ek goed en voel dit reg

Ek's verslaaf aan naby aan jou wees
Verlief met hele lyf en gees
Ja, jy is my alles, alles, alles
Ja, jy is my alles, alles, alles


Jy is my alles, alles

Gee net in gee net oor gee jouself vir my
Sodat ek als van jou kan hê
Jou als kan wys wat in my lê
Ek kan nie wag, jy's die krag wat my hart dryf
Ek's in die donker sonder jou
My laaste kers brand ek ook nou

Want jy is my alles, alles, alles
Ja, jy is my alles, alles, alles

Jy's nie net my vriend nie
Jy is my liefde
Jy's nie net my liefde
Jy is my hart
Jy's nie net my hart nie
Jy is my lewe
Jy's nie net my lewe
Jy is my alles, alles








Bobby van jaarsveld- my alles.

life lessons.choices and booze.

"ek grawe na my hart en in my vlees om myself te herinner dat ek nog iets kan voel"


as i sit here writing this it is apparent that i have been through so much this year, and my birthday is coming up.. i remember the girl i used to be in my previous life, and yes i'm referring to it as my "previous life" because that girl does not exist anymore, she has been fundamentally changed within, her views, her attitude, and the way she will be handling situations and people in the future. i have learned a few hard lessons this year, i have lost the most important element in my life and i have been changed for the better, to not make the same mistakes again...but also how to survive rock bottom.

a few lessons i have learned this year.

imagining scenarios that will never happen, is just that. so stop imagining and make peace with what you have and had, that it will never be retrieved. so taste your words before you spit them out.  accept your new normal. ever seen a kid holding a grudge? they don't, they are looking for the next tree to climb. so do just that. start climbing trees.

the human brain.
 nature makes a beautiful machine, it allows you to recover after an accident. your body can heal dead tissue and regenerate into something stronger. but no medicine can ever heal what is physically or emotionally broken, broken heart, broken fairy tales or broken memories, so don't dull what you are supposed to feel with substances,or anything else for that matter, that will just prolong your healing process and just fuck you up more. period. so dive, head first. GERONIMO.

when you wake up and your mouth tastes like pavement, you try to remind yourself that you are a fighter, but yet you still stare at the railroad tracks, stop staring. it can't help you get to the other side, you have to do that all by your little lonesome, so get up and start walking.


you can never take back how you made people feel in a moment, so be wise with that moment, calm, cool and collected, people might not always respect your feelings, but that does not mean you should not  respect theirs...

those forced friendships never last and they will fail, sooner rather than later, so trust your intuition and learn to listen. come to terms with the fact that there is darkness in this world, and it comes in forms that you least expect it, from people you least expect.

i have learned how to appreciate the silence and the voices. the incredible yearning for someone.

i have learned how to get through the regrets and the should haves,
 what if's and why's.

 i still believe in love  (ignore the rolling eyes for a minute) and where there is love it will triumph and find it's way either back or where it should have been in the first place.

i appreciate everyone who helped me get to 28, for a moment there it was touch and go.
thank you for being part of my story and part of my new life.


cheers 28. it's been good.

scars

I have come to realize that after surviving this year, not much can shake me anymore. i have learned the necessity of just being in survival mode and I have been fundamentally changed within my being, gained a few scars and bruises and swallowed some sand. To understand cruelty, to really grasp the magnitude of it, you need to break in order to survive it.

but today.

today I realized why i love children. why i prefer the company of  a child and what a child can teach me, a grown up, about circumstances and life.

there's no romance in a scar, it is a reminder of the mark left by black holes.

as a radio presenter you have certain privileges, and today one of my privileges was to visit the red cross children's hospital, the burn unit, to hand out teddy bears. some people do it for the shine, to put on a mask and let the world see " the good side of them".

me?

I love children. To make a child laugh is my greatest pleasure and gift.
The potent honesty of a child would make a grown man cry.

As I walked in, putting on the gown, mask and washing my hands,I came to the realization that this is their reality, plastic covered visitors.

 a little girl grabbed my attention immediately, she reminded me so much of a little girl whom I cared for so much in a previous life.,..as we started up a conversation her confidence and ease made me feel peaceful in a somewhat uncomfortable situation, her body covered in raw skin and nothing but a blanket.
her school dress caught fire.

she looked at me and said: " jy is so mooi"

I stood there, not knowing what to reply. so I  told the little girl, that I too have scars, and i showed her my story, reassuring her that the best people have scars. it's our story. what we have overcome, what we are still yet to be. what we are made of.

she looked up at me and said.." so, ek gaan ook so mooi wees eendag"

as I was walking out , she called me back, kissed me on the cheek and created a memory that I will carry with me forever. i have been on the ledge a few times, standing there waiting for a reason or someone to talk me down, and now I have a reason, whenever I feel like jumping , I will remember this little girl.

today, she made me understand why I have scars, that they will always be a part of who I am, and that I must celebrate that, because one day i will find someone, who understands and appreciates my scars and who will stitch me back together.

scars.

You're setting off
It's time to go, the engine's running
My mind is lost
We always knew this day was coming
And now it's more frightening than it's ever going to be

We grow apart
I watch you on the red horizon
Your lion's heart
Will protect you under stormy skies

And I will always be listening for your laughter and your tears

And as soon as I can hold you once again

I won't let go of you, I swear

We lived through scars this time
But I've made up my mind

We can't leave us behind anymore

Your hands are cold
Your lips are turning blue, you're shaking

This fragile heart

So heavy in my chest is breaking
And in the dark, you try to make a payphone call to me

But you're miles away
You're breaking up, you're on your own
It's hard to take
I need an hour just to say hello

But I can't make the truth of this work out for you or me

And for all the pennies in your pocket,
We barely get a second just to speak

We lived through scars this time
But I've made up my mind
We can't leave us behind anymore
We'll have to hurt for now
But next time there's no doubt
'Cause I can't go without you anymore

We lived through scars this time

James bay- scars.

i haven't blogged in a while. but i received a gift worth blogging about ...one of those gifts that touches your core, your being and what makes you YOU.

it's nothing spectacular like a car or something that will make you do back flips, but something that you will guard with your entire existence. which you will, if you are lucky receive once in your life.
 a cd.
 a plain little fragile cd,
with 15 songs.
each song represents a moment in my life, a memory,..

 i almost forgot what it felt like to feel special, to mean something, to be important.

 I've always said in my life that if i made a difference in one person's life that would be enough, and tonight as i sit here i realize my worth and what i mean. it took a cd to give me the push i needed.
never let yourself become a shadow, a grain of sand or just a gust of wind. you are worth so much more.


Two constant people in my life. i was floored at how well these two people knew me, and then i realized how many years of friendship, tears, love , laughter and fights there has been between us. weddings, funerals, heart attacks and heart break.

i leave you with the words of one of the songs.. may it bring you the peace it brought me...

Put your make-up on
Get your nails done
Curl your hair
Run the extra mile
Keep it slim so they like you, do they like you?

Get your sexy on
Don't be shy, girl
Take it off
This is what you want, to belong, so they like you
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Mm, mm

Get your shopping on, at the mall, max your credit cards
You don't have to choose, buy it all, so they like you
Do they like you?

Wait a second,
Why, should you care, what they think of you
When you're all alone, by yourself, do you like you?
Do you like you?

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to bend until you break
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Mm, mm

You don't have to try so hard
You don't have to, give it all away
You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up
You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try, try, try, try
You don't have to try
You don't have to try

Take your make-up off
Let your hair down
Take a breath
Look into the mirror, at yourself
Don't you like you?
'Cause I like you

colby caillat- try

2013

so 2014 is here, she never knocked or warned us, she just barged in with champagne  in hand, obliviously drunk and said, "i'm HERE".. like an awkward teenager who just told a joke , that failed epically, leaving everyone with this blank , disgusted expression.

2013 was a year full of those awkward, heart breaking moments. while I sit here and look back, it probably changed some of my views on the human race entirely.

you learn to condition yourself towards people's attitude. you try your best to be there and BE the person you think they WANT you to be, the calm, collected ,the  wise one. while you loose little bit's of your voice. until you reach the point where you no longer can or want to speak.

i lost my first animal prematurely , after she suffered a stroke and died on my carpet.

 bought a new little peke boy, who we named Kimi Raikkonen  (if you fail to recognized  this name you are a retard and  i  choose not to be in your company ) and so a few weeks after kimi became part of the family, he drowned.

i have never felt sadness on such a level in my life. this intense, heartbreak that makes you scratch at your heart, because maybe if you scratch the hurt out , you can survive, maybe if you just hush this cold wind driving itself through the rooms of your heart , you can start to survive.

but 2013 wasn't all bad, i rediscovered the magical , yet complex bond that two sister's share.

how, no matter if we just fought over something completely ridiculous, whenever we need each other , it's just a phone call away.

i am blessed to have my parents share another year with me.

emotionally 2013 was a year that challenged beliefs, loyalty, friendships ,love and health.

childhood dreams was replaced with reality.

i was broken down to my core and build up again.

some battles you have lost and some you won, by the root of your nail, but you did it.

my wish for 2014 is , that it will be no different. that we will keep on learning, challenging and expecting. rather be adventurous and daring than a bottled up glass of water, add a bit of gin and tonic and a lemon , if you're brave.

but always be YOU.

i learned that obsession can be a dangerous thing, and that it can destroy you from the inside out like venom. you are not always responsible for how you feel, but you are responsible for how you act.  So apologize one more time, drink one more glass of good wine and buy the jean that's obscenely expensive, because you may not have the chance again. be there for someone, regardless of what they have done to you.

may 2014 bring you everything and nothing. God speed.

demons

When the days are cold
 And the cards all fold
 And the saints we see Are all made of gold
 When your dreams all fail
 And the ones we hail
 Are the worst of all
And the blood's run stale

 I want to hide the truth
 I want to shelter you
 But with the beast inside
 There's nowhere we can hide
 No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
 This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

 When you feel my heat
 Look into my eyes
 It's where my demons hide
 It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
 It's dark inside
 It's where my demons hide
 It's where my demons hide

 Curtain's call Is the last of all
 When the lights fade out
 All the sinners crawl
 So they dug your grave
And the masquerade Will come calling out At the mess you made

 Don't want to let you down
But I am hell bound
 Though this is all for you
 Don't want to hide the truth
 No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

 When you feel my heat
 Look into my eyes
 It's where my demons hide
 It's where my demons hide
 Don't get too close
 It's dark inside
 It's where my demons hide
 It's where my demons hide

 They say it's what you make
 I say it's up to fate
 It's woven in my soul I need to let you go
 Your eyes, they shine so bright
 I want to save that light 
I can't escape this now Unless you show me how

 When you feel my heat
 Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
 It's where my demons hide
 Don't get too close
 It's dark inside
 It's where my demons hide
 It's where my demons hide

 Imagine Dragons - Demons

n vrou wil dit hoor..

Praat sag, vermy harde woorde.
 Bly lief want jy’t haar belowe.
 Wees sterk want sy het jou nodig.
Wees vir haar lig, bly leer om te vergewe.
Bly glo daar’s goed in die lewe.
Bly hoop want sy verwag dit van jou.

 Sy wil raak aan jou hart, sy wil vat aan jou siel.
 Sy wil als met jou deel, sorg dat jy haar nie verniel.
 Sy wil weet wat jou pla, wat’s jou heel diepste vrae.
 Moenie stil bly want ‘n vrou wil dit hoor.
 Sy wil sien hoe jy opstaan vir haar as jy moet.
Sy wil glo sy’s die vuur wat nog steeds in jou woed.
En dan hou jy haar vas, fluister sag in haar oor.
 Maak net seker dat jy haar nooit verloor. Want ‘n vrou wil dit hoor…..

Sien raak waarna sy strewe. En as haar moed haar begewe.
 Wees daar en se vir haar dat sy kan.
Wys haar die groter plan.

 Se meer dit wat haar opbou.
 Se meer dit waarvan sy hou.
 Kyk mooi na haar want sy’s lief vir jou. 

Elke hartklop, elke asem, ‘n Vrou wil dit hoor
. Elke hartklop, elke asem, ‘n Vrou wil dit hoor.
 Sy wil raak aan jou hart. Sy wil vat aan jou siel.
Sy wil als met jou deel, sorg dat jy haar nie verniel.
 Sy wil weet wat jou pla, wat’s jou heel diepste vrae.
 Moenie stil bly want ‘n vrou wil dit hoor.
Sy wil sien hoe jy opstaan vir haar as jy moet.
Sy wil glo sy’s die vuur wat nog steeds in jou woed.
 En dan hou jy haar vas, fluister sag in haar oor. Maak net seker dat jy haar nooit verloor.
 Want ‘n vrou wil dit hoor.

 Bobby Van Jaarsveld

optimistic about it..

i am the last one to stand on a chair and shout  "for fuck sakes just be optimistic, the glass is half full , not empty"..but alas if i was such a strong person i would not have thrown plates , hairdryers or cussed myself out in the mirror.


but just one day out of my life (a rare day, which can be seen distinct with the dodo) i have a halo around anything and everything.
i choose to stand up and smile.
i choose to not feel inadequate at  my job.
i choose to feel skinny.
i choose to feel like me..just for a day. i choose to be an optimist about situations.

it can be a song that triggers it, or my state of mind kicking me in the gut telling me i am perfect the way i am, and to not shy away from the bullshit life hands you. you can choose to handle situations differently everyday, you get to make that choice.
one day you may hate someones guts, the next day you choose to see the strong points of that persons personality.
don't let YOU get you down. i have learned to sometimes shut the voices out in my head, even for a moment, just to breath and collect. and then we can go on bickering over little nothingness's.
i chose today to be optimistic.
i chose to feel like i have the world at my feet, that i can flip you off and get away with it, to ignore office politics, who shared a bed with who and what your small mind dishes up about me daily.
i chose to sing out loud to the radio with my windows rolled down. ...

"    I was left to my own devices
 Many days fell away with nothing to show 
 And the walls kept tumbling down
 In the city that we love 
Great clouds roll over the hills,Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like Nothing changed at all? 
And if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like You've been here before? 

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

 We were caught up and lost in all of our vices
 In your poses the dust settled around us
 And the walls kept tumbling down
 In the city that we love ,Great clouds roll over the hills Bringing darkness from above

 But if you close your eyes,Does it almost feel like Nothing changed at all? 
And if you close your eyes,Does it almost feel like You've been here before?

 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

 Oh where do we begin?
 The rubble or our sins?
 Oh where do we begin?
 The rubble or our sins? 
 And the walls kept tumbling down
 In the city that we love ,Great clouds roll over the hills Bringing darkness from above
 But if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like Nothing changed at all? 
And if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like You've been here before?

 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?"

Bastille- pompeii

i am titanium

you are so use to just going through the motions, today i took a step back and listened..


You shout it out
 But I can't hear a word you say
 I'm talking loud, not saying much
 I'm criticized
 But all your bullets ricochet
 You shoot me down
 But I get up
 I'm bulletproof,
 nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
 Ricochet, you take your aim
 Fire away, fire away
 Shoot me down
 But I won't fall
 I am titanium
 You shoot me down
 But I won't fall
 I am titanium
 Cut me down
 But it's you who'll have further to fall
 Ghost town and haunted love
 Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
 I'm talking loud, not saying much
 I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
 Fire away, fire away
 Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
 You shoot me down
 But I won't fall
 I am titanium
 You shoot me down
 But I won't fall
 I am titanium
 I am titanium
 I am titanium
 Stone-hard, machine gun Firing at the ones who run
 Stone-hard, those bulletproof glass
 You shoot me down,
 but I won't fall
 I am titanium
 You shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium
 You shoot me down,
 but I won't fall
 I am titanium
 You shoot me down,
 but I won't fall I am titanium
 I am titanium

david guetta ft sia. titanium lyrics

part of growing up to do..

There comes a time in one's life where you have to make a grown up decision. 

By grown up, it means it will not be easy and it will not ensure comfort or gratification by doing so.

 But it is the grown up thing to do? what bullocks. Please can someone explain to me what the term "grown up "actually entitles? 

Does it give you the right to leave a new wife home alone up until early morning hours? 

Does it entitle you binge drinking like a teenager?

Does it entitle you to own a car, a cell phone and treat everything else like an object that you own including people?

Does it entitle you to hurt, break down and make people feel like they are made of glass?

Does it entitle you to expect and want? 

To break promises you made before God and yourself?

Does it entitle you to never apologize for anything, ever?

Standing with your open hands and never thanking the people coming back regardless of what has been said or done?

Watching someone crashing from the high you created?

Does it give you the right to break someone’s heart? How cruel is kindness?

Desiring everyone’s attention, but denying affection?

“Tell me where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart ?”

Crush a student in front of a class, because YOU MADAM, YOU SIR. YOU ARE THE GROWN UP...

I’m sure you are getting my idea? Before you coin the term "I am a grown up" in your all holy state of mind. Maybe you should look at the devastation around you.

Take in the moment you became a stranger.

 You, who call yourself a friend, a lover, a husband, father, mother, sister, teacher, mentor...

If I knew at 10 years old, what I know today, I would want to stay a child forever. Climbing trees. Seeing the bright side to everything. Just staying on that cloud 9 as long as possible.

But if “grown up” is this. Then I would gladly rather go and sit in the kiddies corner and be able to look at myself in the mirror in the mornings, and still be proud of who I am, My heart and what I am made off...

the moment you said it.

Sometimes there are some things that stick to your heart like a Velcro vested little bird, and no matter how hard you try to tear it loose, it opens the scab it's covering everytime.


"The moment you said it
The moment you opened your mouth
Lead in your eyelids
Bulldozed the life out of me..

I know what you're thinking
But darling you're not thinking straight
Suddenly things just happen we can't explain..

It's not even light out
But you've somewhere to be
No hesitation
No I’ve never seen you like this
And I don't like it
I don't like it
I don't like it at all

Just put back the car keys
Or somebody's gonna get hurt
Who are you calling at this hour?
Sit down, come round, I need you now
We'll work it all out together
But we're getting nowhere tonight
Now sleep, I promise it'll all seem better
Somehow in time


With no hesitation.."

imogen heap- the moment i said it.
 lyrics altered by Natisha Lieka van zyl.

Monty. Gogga. Oupa. remember.

It is with a very heavy heart that i am writing today.. to loose someone close to you is unbearable  to loose your best friend, confidant and pet is unimaginable..

i got to know Monty over the past year..

he taught me how to trust again after a few very hard falls. he taught me it's okay to ride without a bridle and a saddle. he wasn't only a horse, he was a character which provided me endless happiness when i rode him.

he's cheeky kick when he wanted me to ditch the crop and the way he got pissed off if you paid more attention to your phone that to him. oupa ek sit met n seer in my hart. i can just imagine how your mom must feel today. she was so proud of you, and the horse that you were.

 everyone knew the steady gentleman of the stables.i believed in true love the moment i saw you and your master together  such peace and understanding between two , you never accepted limits nor defeat..you were brave and outstanding.

you had a wisdom that shouted from your soft eyes that i had the privileged to experience, and if you ever do in your life, it will only be once. your love was define.

 I will remember your big brown eyes when i took your face in my hands yesterday and told you , you ain't going nowhere". you knew better , as you always do, and now you are free.

to accept what's to come you finally have to say goodbye, and in your special way you said goodbye to all of us.

you have left us a little bit of your magic, and it will always be all around us. thank you oupa, gogga, monty for what you have taught me not just in my riding but in the believe you had in me, the escape you provided and the trust.

see you later Gogga.

dedicated to Sasha Habib , who has lost a piece of her heart.




provide by kim Williams Meaker :

"I will lend to you for a while, a horse, God said. 

For you to love while he lives, and mourn when he is dead.

Maybe for 20 or 30 years, or maybe two or three.

But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?

He will bring his charms and gladden you and should his stay be brief, 

You’ll always have his memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise that he’ll stay, since all from earth return.

But there are lessons taught below, I want this horse to learn.

I’ve looked the whole world over, in search of teachers true.

And from the folk that crowd life’s land, I have chosen you.

Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labor’s vain?

Nor hate me when I come to take my horse home again?

I fancied that I heard them say “Dear, Lord, Thy Will Be Done’

For all the joys this horse brings, the risk of grief we’ll run.

We’ll shelter him with tenderness, we’ll love him while we may.

And for the happiness we’ve known, forever grateful stay.

But should you call him back much sooner than we planned.

We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes, and try to understand.

If, by our love we’ve managed your wishes to achieve,

Then in memory of him whom we loved, please help us while we grieve.

When our cherished horse departs this world of strife.

Please send us yet another needing soul, for us to love throughout his life. (Author unknown)""

you'll remember me.

"Fields Of Gold"

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in fields of gold

So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in fields of gold

See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in fields of gold
We'll walk in fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold

precious illusions..

"Precious Illusions"
Alanis Morisette

"You'll rescue me right?
In the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right?
When your healing powers kick in

You'll complete me right?
Then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right?
Only when you realize the gem I am?

But this won't work now the way it once did
And I won't keep it up even though I would love to
Once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

This ring will help me yet as will you knight in shining armor
This pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

But this won't work as well as the way it once did
Cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
And though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode

This won't work now the way it once did
Cuz I want to deside between survival and bliss
Now I know who I'm not
I don't I still don't know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends


These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with childhood best friends"

believe in YOU.

so it is that time of life again. Where you sit back (panic attack in full swing) and wonder what you have done with your life thus far? Swaar kry het sy prys. But before you vow to quit smoking, drink less or change who you are...

You wonder about the mistakes and if you are the person your parents would actually REALLY be proud of?

Your biggest achievement might be getting off your medication that kept you up straight for the last decade.

You might have gotten married, divorced, dimented.

Lost weight, gained weight, never falling far from away.

Bought a house, lost millions, gained a personality.

Broke free...from your childhood mess that always kept on coming back for more.

Left behind what you should have in a previous life and started wearing check shirts, glasses and underwear.

took your love somewhere else.

How can one day affect you as a whole? Affect how you see yourself? Your life? Your beingness (that word is from the natisha dictionary)

I say bullshit.

This New Year depression ends now. You have to just be.

Start with getting rid of the inner conflict and love yourself.

Some things are going to change around here in my head this year...

"You desired my attention, but denied my affection".

Get up, not even your own shadow stays with you in dark times.

change what you must and be good to yourself, you are going to be stuck with YOU for a while, so you better start loving it baby, scars and all.

And yes, I’m not saying this year is going to be easy, sunshine, ice cream and vino. It’s going to be hard as fuck.

But give yourself a chance; believe in you, no one is going to do it FOR YOU.





I promise you, that somewhere you are doing something right.

for those tango days..

I haven’t seen or heard from Madame blue tango in a while now. Nor have I spoken about her.

She is the dark piece that hides in your body and tangles itself up in your thoughts and guts.
So when you least except it, she shows up like a disease and makes you hit the ground so hard you can taste the cement.

She is as much a part of me as I am of her. We all have it. The blue tango- the dance being done internally.
Some days you win, some days you fail. It’s bloody exhausting, but other days it's just a normal event taking place, while the world silently turns...

The moment you learn how to move with her, she is merciless. She will twist you and turn you into a black carpet mess for her delight. So whatever you do, you got to get up and try...

no one said it was going to be easy, but no one said it was going to be this hard...

'Ever wonder about what he's doing How it all turned to lies Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why

Where there is desire There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
Ever worried that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by by by
Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try" Pink- TRY

life as I know it..

Working for a radio station you learn to cope with allot of unnecessary kaka things- but somthing I still can’t get use to, is people feeling like they can say just about any darn thing to you. According to views of opinion I am: 1. Common white trash 2. Can’t read 3. Lost my IQ somewhere.... and and and and blah blah blah.. So nice to find out these things about yourself when not even you knew it! My thing is, who gives you the right to trash someone’s self esteem for your gratification? Does it make you feel better to belittle someone and chase the light out of their eyes? The next time you pick up a phone, keyboard, whatever..... THINK. Would it make a difference in this someone’s life, if yes, good or bad? And the most important thing. IF YOU DONT KNOW SOMEONE SHUVE YOUR OPINION UP YOU NOSE. You have pointed out my flaws again, As if I don't already see them. taylor swift- mean You, with your words like knives And swords and weapons that you use against me You have knocked me off my feet again Got me feeling like I'm nothing You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard Calling me out when I'm wounded You picking on the weaker man You can take me down with just one single blow But you don't know, what you don't know... Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city And all you're ever gonna be is mean Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me And all you're ever gonna be is mean Why you gotta be so mean?

your past always bites you in the ass.

dying to be perfect

i havent been here in a while i know, stop your bitching. done? so going through my mind, as one does. i came across a filling cabanet that i store somewhere in my frontal lobe. How deceiving pictures can be. a picture paints a thousand words makes more sense now doesn't it? a photo is perfect, a moment captured in time. in your strife to be perfect have i ever crossed your mind? can you do without? move forward? Is my mere existance just worth a piece of paper with plastic smiles and done up hair?

"met haar liefde koud in haar bed, oorreed sy haarself sy moet mooi lyk, al is dit net vir hom. Die skerwe van haar lewe le perfek in haar spieel. roosblaar lippe.sonstraal hare.duisterblou oe. die verbintenis tussen die volmaaktheid van n foto en die besluit?"- shaun klaasen.

it's like having a fly in your chardonnay, a half smoked cigarette and a good bye via sms. just like that. throw your tantrum. out the door everything goes. everything you have worked on to better yourself. how much is that picture worth to you after you have sat and stared at it for a day? like words spoken , it can never be UNspoken to mend a broken heart, the picture can be edited , yes, but the purity of it remains. the raw rock cut fizzer is stuck to it. how do you make someone see your heart.

so soet soos heuning so bitter soos botter.

sometimes being everything for everybody else leaves you with nothing left for yourself.your sanity becomes another mans insanity.
n nuwe lag se ego skeer die stilte lang verwag.
vir jou sal ek my trane gee en jy kan dit bere in jou bottel.


She grew up on a side of the road ,Where the church bells ring and strong love grows. She grew up good She grew up slow Like American honey

Steady as a preacher.
Free as a weedCouldn't wait to get going' But wasn't quite ready to leave
So innocent, pure and sweet
like American honey
There's a wild, wild whisper Blowing in the wind Calling out my name like a long lost friend
Oh I miss those days as the years go by,Oh nothings sweeter than summer time
And American honey
Get caught in the race Of this crazy life mind
I just wanna go back in time To American honey.

There's a wild, wild whisper Blowing in the wind Calling out my name like a long lost friend
Oh I miss those days as the years go by
Oh nothings sweeter than summer time And American honey
Gone for so long now,I gotta get back to her somehow To American honey
Ooh There's a wild, wild whisper Blowing in the wind
Calling out my name like a long lost friend
Oh I miss those days as the years go by
Oh nothings sweeter than summer time
And American honey.

American honey- lady antebellum