life lessons.choices and booze.

"ek grawe na my hart en in my vlees om myself te herinner dat ek nog iets kan voel"


as i sit here writing this it is apparent that i have been through so much this year, and my birthday is coming up.. i remember the girl i used to be in my previous life, and yes i'm referring to it as my "previous life" because that girl does not exist anymore, she has been fundamentally changed within, her views, her attitude, and the way she will be handling situations and people in the future. i have learned a few hard lessons this year, i have lost the most important element in my life and i have been changed for the better, to not make the same mistakes again...but also how to survive rock bottom.

a few lessons i have learned this year.

imagining scenarios that will never happen, is just that. so stop imagining and make peace with what you have and had, that it will never be retrieved. so taste your words before you spit them out.  accept your new normal. ever seen a kid holding a grudge? they don't, they are looking for the next tree to climb. so do just that. start climbing trees.

the human brain.
 nature makes a beautiful machine, it allows you to recover after an accident. your body can heal dead tissue and regenerate into something stronger. but no medicine can ever heal what is physically or emotionally broken, broken heart, broken fairy tales or broken memories, so don't dull what you are supposed to feel with substances,or anything else for that matter, that will just prolong your healing process and just fuck you up more. period. so dive, head first. GERONIMO.

when you wake up and your mouth tastes like pavement, you try to remind yourself that you are a fighter, but yet you still stare at the railroad tracks, stop staring. it can't help you get to the other side, you have to do that all by your little lonesome, so get up and start walking.


you can never take back how you made people feel in a moment, so be wise with that moment, calm, cool and collected, people might not always respect your feelings, but that does not mean you should not  respect theirs...

those forced friendships never last and they will fail, sooner rather than later, so trust your intuition and learn to listen. come to terms with the fact that there is darkness in this world, and it comes in forms that you least expect it, from people you least expect.

i have learned how to appreciate the silence and the voices. the incredible yearning for someone.

i have learned how to get through the regrets and the should haves,
 what if's and why's.

 i still believe in love  (ignore the rolling eyes for a minute) and where there is love it will triumph and find it's way either back or where it should have been in the first place.

i appreciate everyone who helped me get to 28, for a moment there it was touch and go.
thank you for being part of my story and part of my new life.


cheers 28. it's been good.

scars

I have come to realize that after surviving this year, not much can shake me anymore. i have learned the necessity of just being in survival mode and I have been fundamentally changed within my being, gained a few scars and bruises and swallowed some sand. To understand cruelty, to really grasp the magnitude of it, you need to break in order to survive it.

but today.

today I realized why i love children. why i prefer the company of  a child and what a child can teach me, a grown up, about circumstances and life.

there's no romance in a scar, it is a reminder of the mark left by black holes.

as a radio presenter you have certain privileges, and today one of my privileges was to visit the red cross children's hospital, the burn unit, to hand out teddy bears. some people do it for the shine, to put on a mask and let the world see " the good side of them".

me?

I love children. To make a child laugh is my greatest pleasure and gift.
The potent honesty of a child would make a grown man cry.

As I walked in, putting on the gown, mask and washing my hands,I came to the realization that this is their reality, plastic covered visitors.

 a little girl grabbed my attention immediately, she reminded me so much of a little girl whom I cared for so much in a previous life.,..as we started up a conversation her confidence and ease made me feel peaceful in a somewhat uncomfortable situation, her body covered in raw skin and nothing but a blanket.
her school dress caught fire.

she looked at me and said: " jy is so mooi"

I stood there, not knowing what to reply. so I  told the little girl, that I too have scars, and i showed her my story, reassuring her that the best people have scars. it's our story. what we have overcome, what we are still yet to be. what we are made of.

she looked up at me and said.." so, ek gaan ook so mooi wees eendag"

as I was walking out , she called me back, kissed me on the cheek and created a memory that I will carry with me forever. i have been on the ledge a few times, standing there waiting for a reason or someone to talk me down, and now I have a reason, whenever I feel like jumping , I will remember this little girl.

today, she made me understand why I have scars, that they will always be a part of who I am, and that I must celebrate that, because one day i will find someone, who understands and appreciates my scars and who will stitch me back together.

scars.

You're setting off
It's time to go, the engine's running
My mind is lost
We always knew this day was coming
And now it's more frightening than it's ever going to be

We grow apart
I watch you on the red horizon
Your lion's heart
Will protect you under stormy skies

And I will always be listening for your laughter and your tears

And as soon as I can hold you once again

I won't let go of you, I swear

We lived through scars this time
But I've made up my mind

We can't leave us behind anymore

Your hands are cold
Your lips are turning blue, you're shaking

This fragile heart

So heavy in my chest is breaking
And in the dark, you try to make a payphone call to me

But you're miles away
You're breaking up, you're on your own
It's hard to take
I need an hour just to say hello

But I can't make the truth of this work out for you or me

And for all the pennies in your pocket,
We barely get a second just to speak

We lived through scars this time
But I've made up my mind
We can't leave us behind anymore
We'll have to hurt for now
But next time there's no doubt
'Cause I can't go without you anymore

We lived through scars this time

James bay- scars.