2013

so 2014 is here, she never knocked or warned us, she just barged in with champagne  in hand, obliviously drunk and said, "i'm HERE".. like an awkward teenager who just told a joke , that failed epically, leaving everyone with this blank , disgusted expression.

2013 was a year full of those awkward, heart breaking moments. while I sit here and look back, it probably changed some of my views on the human race entirely.

you learn to condition yourself towards people's attitude. you try your best to be there and BE the person you think they WANT you to be, the calm, collected ,the  wise one. while you loose little bit's of your voice. until you reach the point where you no longer can or want to speak.

i lost my first animal prematurely , after she suffered a stroke and died on my carpet.

 bought a new little peke boy, who we named Kimi Raikkonen  (if you fail to recognized  this name you are a retard and  i  choose not to be in your company ) and so a few weeks after kimi became part of the family, he drowned.

i have never felt sadness on such a level in my life. this intense, heartbreak that makes you scratch at your heart, because maybe if you scratch the hurt out , you can survive, maybe if you just hush this cold wind driving itself through the rooms of your heart , you can start to survive.

but 2013 wasn't all bad, i rediscovered the magical , yet complex bond that two sister's share.

how, no matter if we just fought over something completely ridiculous, whenever we need each other , it's just a phone call away.

i am blessed to have my parents share another year with me.

emotionally 2013 was a year that challenged beliefs, loyalty, friendships ,love and health.

childhood dreams was replaced with reality.

i was broken down to my core and build up again.

some battles you have lost and some you won, by the root of your nail, but you did it.

my wish for 2014 is , that it will be no different. that we will keep on learning, challenging and expecting. rather be adventurous and daring than a bottled up glass of water, add a bit of gin and tonic and a lemon , if you're brave.

but always be YOU.

i learned that obsession can be a dangerous thing, and that it can destroy you from the inside out like venom. you are not always responsible for how you feel, but you are responsible for how you act.  So apologize one more time, drink one more glass of good wine and buy the jean that's obscenely expensive, because you may not have the chance again. be there for someone, regardless of what they have done to you.

may 2014 bring you everything and nothing. God speed.

demons

When the days are cold
 And the cards all fold
 And the saints we see Are all made of gold
 When your dreams all fail
 And the ones we hail
 Are the worst of all
And the blood's run stale

 I want to hide the truth
 I want to shelter you
 But with the beast inside
 There's nowhere we can hide
 No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
 This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

 When you feel my heat
 Look into my eyes
 It's where my demons hide
 It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
 It's dark inside
 It's where my demons hide
 It's where my demons hide

 Curtain's call Is the last of all
 When the lights fade out
 All the sinners crawl
 So they dug your grave
And the masquerade Will come calling out At the mess you made

 Don't want to let you down
But I am hell bound
 Though this is all for you
 Don't want to hide the truth
 No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

 When you feel my heat
 Look into my eyes
 It's where my demons hide
 It's where my demons hide
 Don't get too close
 It's dark inside
 It's where my demons hide
 It's where my demons hide

 They say it's what you make
 I say it's up to fate
 It's woven in my soul I need to let you go
 Your eyes, they shine so bright
 I want to save that light 
I can't escape this now Unless you show me how

 When you feel my heat
 Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
 It's where my demons hide
 Don't get too close
 It's dark inside
 It's where my demons hide
 It's where my demons hide

 Imagine Dragons - Demons

n vrou wil dit hoor..

Praat sag, vermy harde woorde.
 Bly lief want jy’t haar belowe.
 Wees sterk want sy het jou nodig.
Wees vir haar lig, bly leer om te vergewe.
Bly glo daar’s goed in die lewe.
Bly hoop want sy verwag dit van jou.

 Sy wil raak aan jou hart, sy wil vat aan jou siel.
 Sy wil als met jou deel, sorg dat jy haar nie verniel.
 Sy wil weet wat jou pla, wat’s jou heel diepste vrae.
 Moenie stil bly want ‘n vrou wil dit hoor.
 Sy wil sien hoe jy opstaan vir haar as jy moet.
Sy wil glo sy’s die vuur wat nog steeds in jou woed.
En dan hou jy haar vas, fluister sag in haar oor.
 Maak net seker dat jy haar nooit verloor. Want ‘n vrou wil dit hoor…..

Sien raak waarna sy strewe. En as haar moed haar begewe.
 Wees daar en se vir haar dat sy kan.
Wys haar die groter plan.

 Se meer dit wat haar opbou.
 Se meer dit waarvan sy hou.
 Kyk mooi na haar want sy’s lief vir jou. 

Elke hartklop, elke asem, ‘n Vrou wil dit hoor
. Elke hartklop, elke asem, ‘n Vrou wil dit hoor.
 Sy wil raak aan jou hart. Sy wil vat aan jou siel.
Sy wil als met jou deel, sorg dat jy haar nie verniel.
 Sy wil weet wat jou pla, wat’s jou heel diepste vrae.
 Moenie stil bly want ‘n vrou wil dit hoor.
Sy wil sien hoe jy opstaan vir haar as jy moet.
Sy wil glo sy’s die vuur wat nog steeds in jou woed.
 En dan hou jy haar vas, fluister sag in haar oor. Maak net seker dat jy haar nooit verloor.
 Want ‘n vrou wil dit hoor.

 Bobby Van Jaarsveld

optimistic about it..

i am the last one to stand on a chair and shout  "for fuck sakes just be optimistic, the glass is half full , not empty"..but alas if i was such a strong person i would not have thrown plates , hairdryers or cussed myself out in the mirror.


but just one day out of my life (a rare day, which can be seen distinct with the dodo) i have a halo around anything and everything.
i choose to stand up and smile.
i choose to not feel inadequate at  my job.
i choose to feel skinny.
i choose to feel like me..just for a day. i choose to be an optimist about situations.

it can be a song that triggers it, or my state of mind kicking me in the gut telling me i am perfect the way i am, and to not shy away from the bullshit life hands you. you can choose to handle situations differently everyday, you get to make that choice.
one day you may hate someones guts, the next day you choose to see the strong points of that persons personality.
don't let YOU get you down. i have learned to sometimes shut the voices out in my head, even for a moment, just to breath and collect. and then we can go on bickering over little nothingness's.
i chose today to be optimistic.
i chose to feel like i have the world at my feet, that i can flip you off and get away with it, to ignore office politics, who shared a bed with who and what your small mind dishes up about me daily.
i chose to sing out loud to the radio with my windows rolled down. ...

"    I was left to my own devices
 Many days fell away with nothing to show 
 And the walls kept tumbling down
 In the city that we love 
Great clouds roll over the hills,Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like Nothing changed at all? 
And if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like You've been here before? 

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

 We were caught up and lost in all of our vices
 In your poses the dust settled around us
 And the walls kept tumbling down
 In the city that we love ,Great clouds roll over the hills Bringing darkness from above

 But if you close your eyes,Does it almost feel like Nothing changed at all? 
And if you close your eyes,Does it almost feel like You've been here before?

 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

 Oh where do we begin?
 The rubble or our sins?
 Oh where do we begin?
 The rubble or our sins? 
 And the walls kept tumbling down
 In the city that we love ,Great clouds roll over the hills Bringing darkness from above
 But if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like Nothing changed at all? 
And if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like You've been here before?

 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?"

Bastille- pompeii

i am titanium

you are so use to just going through the motions, today i took a step back and listened..


You shout it out
 But I can't hear a word you say
 I'm talking loud, not saying much
 I'm criticized
 But all your bullets ricochet
 You shoot me down
 But I get up
 I'm bulletproof,
 nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
 Ricochet, you take your aim
 Fire away, fire away
 Shoot me down
 But I won't fall
 I am titanium
 You shoot me down
 But I won't fall
 I am titanium
 Cut me down
 But it's you who'll have further to fall
 Ghost town and haunted love
 Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
 I'm talking loud, not saying much
 I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
 Fire away, fire away
 Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
 You shoot me down
 But I won't fall
 I am titanium
 You shoot me down
 But I won't fall
 I am titanium
 I am titanium
 I am titanium
 Stone-hard, machine gun Firing at the ones who run
 Stone-hard, those bulletproof glass
 You shoot me down,
 but I won't fall
 I am titanium
 You shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium
 You shoot me down,
 but I won't fall
 I am titanium
 You shoot me down,
 but I won't fall I am titanium
 I am titanium

david guetta ft sia. titanium lyrics

part of growing up to do..

There comes a time in one's life where you have to make a grown up decision. 

By grown up, it means it will not be easy and it will not ensure comfort or gratification by doing so.

 But it is the grown up thing to do? what bullocks. Please can someone explain to me what the term "grown up "actually entitles? 

Does it give you the right to leave a new wife home alone up until early morning hours? 

Does it entitle you binge drinking like a teenager?

Does it entitle you to own a car, a cell phone and treat everything else like an object that you own including people?

Does it entitle you to hurt, break down and make people feel like they are made of glass?

Does it entitle you to expect and want? 

To break promises you made before God and yourself?

Does it entitle you to never apologize for anything, ever?

Standing with your open hands and never thanking the people coming back regardless of what has been said or done?

Watching someone crashing from the high you created?

Does it give you the right to break someone’s heart? How cruel is kindness?

Desiring everyone’s attention, but denying affection?

“Tell me where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart ?”

Crush a student in front of a class, because YOU MADAM, YOU SIR. YOU ARE THE GROWN UP...

I’m sure you are getting my idea? Before you coin the term "I am a grown up" in your all holy state of mind. Maybe you should look at the devastation around you.

Take in the moment you became a stranger.

 You, who call yourself a friend, a lover, a husband, father, mother, sister, teacher, mentor...

If I knew at 10 years old, what I know today, I would want to stay a child forever. Climbing trees. Seeing the bright side to everything. Just staying on that cloud 9 as long as possible.

But if “grown up” is this. Then I would gladly rather go and sit in the kiddies corner and be able to look at myself in the mirror in the mornings, and still be proud of who I am, My heart and what I am made off...

the moment you said it.

Sometimes there are some things that stick to your heart like a Velcro vested little bird, and no matter how hard you try to tear it loose, it opens the scab it's covering everytime.


"The moment you said it
The moment you opened your mouth
Lead in your eyelids
Bulldozed the life out of me..

I know what you're thinking
But darling you're not thinking straight
Suddenly things just happen we can't explain..

It's not even light out
But you've somewhere to be
No hesitation
No I’ve never seen you like this
And I don't like it
I don't like it
I don't like it at all

Just put back the car keys
Or somebody's gonna get hurt
Who are you calling at this hour?
Sit down, come round, I need you now
We'll work it all out together
But we're getting nowhere tonight
Now sleep, I promise it'll all seem better
Somehow in time


With no hesitation.."

imogen heap- the moment i said it.
 lyrics altered by Natisha Lieka van zyl.