optimistic about it..

i am the last one to stand on a chair and shout  "for fuck sakes just be optimistic, the glass is half full , not empty"..but alas if i was such a strong person i would not have thrown plates , hairdryers or cussed myself out in the mirror.


but just one day out of my life (a rare day, which can be seen distinct with the dodo) i have a halo around anything and everything.
i choose to stand up and smile.
i choose to not feel inadequate at  my job.
i choose to feel skinny.
i choose to feel like me..just for a day. i choose to be an optimist about situations.

it can be a song that triggers it, or my state of mind kicking me in the gut telling me i am perfect the way i am, and to not shy away from the bullshit life hands you. you can choose to handle situations differently everyday, you get to make that choice.
one day you may hate someones guts, the next day you choose to see the strong points of that persons personality.
don't let YOU get you down. i have learned to sometimes shut the voices out in my head, even for a moment, just to breath and collect. and then we can go on bickering over little nothingness's.
i chose today to be optimistic.
i chose to feel like i have the world at my feet, that i can flip you off and get away with it, to ignore office politics, who shared a bed with who and what your small mind dishes up about me daily.
i chose to sing out loud to the radio with my windows rolled down. ...

"    I was left to my own devices
 Many days fell away with nothing to show 
 And the walls kept tumbling down
 In the city that we love 
Great clouds roll over the hills,Bringing darkness from above

But if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like Nothing changed at all? 
And if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like You've been here before? 

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

 We were caught up and lost in all of our vices
 In your poses the dust settled around us
 And the walls kept tumbling down
 In the city that we love ,Great clouds roll over the hills Bringing darkness from above

 But if you close your eyes,Does it almost feel like Nothing changed at all? 
And if you close your eyes,Does it almost feel like You've been here before?

 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

 Oh where do we begin?
 The rubble or our sins?
 Oh where do we begin?
 The rubble or our sins? 
 And the walls kept tumbling down
 In the city that we love ,Great clouds roll over the hills Bringing darkness from above
 But if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like Nothing changed at all? 
And if you close your eyes, Does it almost feel like You've been here before?

 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
 How am I gonna be an optimist about this?"

Bastille- pompeii

i am titanium

you are so use to just going through the motions, today i took a step back and listened..


You shout it out
 But I can't hear a word you say
 I'm talking loud, not saying much
 I'm criticized
 But all your bullets ricochet
 You shoot me down
 But I get up
 I'm bulletproof,
 nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
 Ricochet, you take your aim
 Fire away, fire away
 Shoot me down
 But I won't fall
 I am titanium
 You shoot me down
 But I won't fall
 I am titanium
 Cut me down
 But it's you who'll have further to fall
 Ghost town and haunted love
 Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
 I'm talking loud, not saying much
 I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
 Fire away, fire away
 Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
 You shoot me down
 But I won't fall
 I am titanium
 You shoot me down
 But I won't fall
 I am titanium
 I am titanium
 I am titanium
 Stone-hard, machine gun Firing at the ones who run
 Stone-hard, those bulletproof glass
 You shoot me down,
 but I won't fall
 I am titanium
 You shoot me down, but I won't fall
I am titanium
 You shoot me down,
 but I won't fall
 I am titanium
 You shoot me down,
 but I won't fall I am titanium
 I am titanium

david guetta ft sia. titanium lyrics

part of growing up to do..

There comes a time in one's life where you have to make a grown up decision. 

By grown up, it means it will not be easy and it will not ensure comfort or gratification by doing so.

 But it is the grown up thing to do? what bullocks. Please can someone explain to me what the term "grown up "actually entitles? 

Does it give you the right to leave a new wife home alone up until early morning hours? 

Does it entitle you binge drinking like a teenager?

Does it entitle you to own a car, a cell phone and treat everything else like an object that you own including people?

Does it entitle you to hurt, break down and make people feel like they are made of glass?

Does it entitle you to expect and want? 

To break promises you made before God and yourself?

Does it entitle you to never apologize for anything, ever?

Standing with your open hands and never thanking the people coming back regardless of what has been said or done?

Watching someone crashing from the high you created?

Does it give you the right to break someone’s heart? How cruel is kindness?

Desiring everyone’s attention, but denying affection?

“Tell me where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart ?”

Crush a student in front of a class, because YOU MADAM, YOU SIR. YOU ARE THE GROWN UP...

I’m sure you are getting my idea? Before you coin the term "I am a grown up" in your all holy state of mind. Maybe you should look at the devastation around you.

Take in the moment you became a stranger.

 You, who call yourself a friend, a lover, a husband, father, mother, sister, teacher, mentor...

If I knew at 10 years old, what I know today, I would want to stay a child forever. Climbing trees. Seeing the bright side to everything. Just staying on that cloud 9 as long as possible.

But if “grown up” is this. Then I would gladly rather go and sit in the kiddies corner and be able to look at myself in the mirror in the mornings, and still be proud of who I am, My heart and what I am made off...

the moment you said it.

Sometimes there are some things that stick to your heart like a Velcro vested little bird, and no matter how hard you try to tear it loose, it opens the scab it's covering everytime.


"The moment you said it
The moment you opened your mouth
Lead in your eyelids
Bulldozed the life out of me..

I know what you're thinking
But darling you're not thinking straight
Suddenly things just happen we can't explain..

It's not even light out
But you've somewhere to be
No hesitation
No I’ve never seen you like this
And I don't like it
I don't like it
I don't like it at all

Just put back the car keys
Or somebody's gonna get hurt
Who are you calling at this hour?
Sit down, come round, I need you now
We'll work it all out together
But we're getting nowhere tonight
Now sleep, I promise it'll all seem better
Somehow in time


With no hesitation.."

imogen heap- the moment i said it.
 lyrics altered by Natisha Lieka van zyl.

Monty. Gogga. Oupa. remember.

It is with a very heavy heart that i am writing today.. to loose someone close to you is unbearable  to loose your best friend, confidant and pet is unimaginable..

i got to know Monty over the past year..

he taught me how to trust again after a few very hard falls. he taught me it's okay to ride without a bridle and a saddle. he wasn't only a horse, he was a character which provided me endless happiness when i rode him.

he's cheeky kick when he wanted me to ditch the crop and the way he got pissed off if you paid more attention to your phone that to him. oupa ek sit met n seer in my hart. i can just imagine how your mom must feel today. she was so proud of you, and the horse that you were.

 everyone knew the steady gentleman of the stables.i believed in true love the moment i saw you and your master together  such peace and understanding between two , you never accepted limits nor defeat..you were brave and outstanding.

you had a wisdom that shouted from your soft eyes that i had the privileged to experience, and if you ever do in your life, it will only be once. your love was define.

 I will remember your big brown eyes when i took your face in my hands yesterday and told you , you ain't going nowhere". you knew better , as you always do, and now you are free.

to accept what's to come you finally have to say goodbye, and in your special way you said goodbye to all of us.

you have left us a little bit of your magic, and it will always be all around us. thank you oupa, gogga, monty for what you have taught me not just in my riding but in the believe you had in me, the escape you provided and the trust.

see you later Gogga.

dedicated to Sasha Habib , who has lost a piece of her heart.




provide by kim Williams Meaker :

"I will lend to you for a while, a horse, God said. 

For you to love while he lives, and mourn when he is dead.

Maybe for 20 or 30 years, or maybe two or three.

But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?

He will bring his charms and gladden you and should his stay be brief, 

You’ll always have his memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise that he’ll stay, since all from earth return.

But there are lessons taught below, I want this horse to learn.

I’ve looked the whole world over, in search of teachers true.

And from the folk that crowd life’s land, I have chosen you.

Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labor’s vain?

Nor hate me when I come to take my horse home again?

I fancied that I heard them say “Dear, Lord, Thy Will Be Done’

For all the joys this horse brings, the risk of grief we’ll run.

We’ll shelter him with tenderness, we’ll love him while we may.

And for the happiness we’ve known, forever grateful stay.

But should you call him back much sooner than we planned.

We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes, and try to understand.

If, by our love we’ve managed your wishes to achieve,

Then in memory of him whom we loved, please help us while we grieve.

When our cherished horse departs this world of strife.

Please send us yet another needing soul, for us to love throughout his life. (Author unknown)""

you'll remember me.

"Fields Of Gold"

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in fields of gold

So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in fields of gold

See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in fields of gold
We'll walk in fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold

precious illusions..

"Precious Illusions"
Alanis Morisette

"You'll rescue me right?
In the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right?
When your healing powers kick in

You'll complete me right?
Then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right?
Only when you realize the gem I am?

But this won't work now the way it once did
And I won't keep it up even though I would love to
Once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

This ring will help me yet as will you knight in shining armor
This pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

But this won't work as well as the way it once did
Cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
And though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode

This won't work now the way it once did
Cuz I want to deside between survival and bliss
Now I know who I'm not
I don't I still don't know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends


These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with childhood best friends"