the moment you said it.

Sometimes there are some things that stick to your heart like a Velcro vested little bird, and no matter how hard you try to tear it loose, it opens the scab it's covering everytime.


"The moment you said it
The moment you opened your mouth
Lead in your eyelids
Bulldozed the life out of me..

I know what you're thinking
But darling you're not thinking straight
Suddenly things just happen we can't explain..

It's not even light out
But you've somewhere to be
No hesitation
No I’ve never seen you like this
And I don't like it
I don't like it
I don't like it at all

Just put back the car keys
Or somebody's gonna get hurt
Who are you calling at this hour?
Sit down, come round, I need you now
We'll work it all out together
But we're getting nowhere tonight
Now sleep, I promise it'll all seem better
Somehow in time


With no hesitation.."

imogen heap- the moment i said it.
 lyrics altered by Natisha Lieka van zyl.

Monty. Gogga. Oupa. remember.

It is with a very heavy heart that i am writing today.. to loose someone close to you is unbearable  to loose your best friend, confidant and pet is unimaginable..

i got to know Monty over the past year..

he taught me how to trust again after a few very hard falls. he taught me it's okay to ride without a bridle and a saddle. he wasn't only a horse, he was a character which provided me endless happiness when i rode him.

he's cheeky kick when he wanted me to ditch the crop and the way he got pissed off if you paid more attention to your phone that to him. oupa ek sit met n seer in my hart. i can just imagine how your mom must feel today. she was so proud of you, and the horse that you were.

 everyone knew the steady gentleman of the stables.i believed in true love the moment i saw you and your master together  such peace and understanding between two , you never accepted limits nor defeat..you were brave and outstanding.

you had a wisdom that shouted from your soft eyes that i had the privileged to experience, and if you ever do in your life, it will only be once. your love was define.

 I will remember your big brown eyes when i took your face in my hands yesterday and told you , you ain't going nowhere". you knew better , as you always do, and now you are free.

to accept what's to come you finally have to say goodbye, and in your special way you said goodbye to all of us.

you have left us a little bit of your magic, and it will always be all around us. thank you oupa, gogga, monty for what you have taught me not just in my riding but in the believe you had in me, the escape you provided and the trust.

see you later Gogga.

dedicated to Sasha Habib , who has lost a piece of her heart.




provide by kim Williams Meaker :

"I will lend to you for a while, a horse, God said. 

For you to love while he lives, and mourn when he is dead.

Maybe for 20 or 30 years, or maybe two or three.

But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?

He will bring his charms and gladden you and should his stay be brief, 

You’ll always have his memories as solace for your grief.

I cannot promise that he’ll stay, since all from earth return.

But there are lessons taught below, I want this horse to learn.

I’ve looked the whole world over, in search of teachers true.

And from the folk that crowd life’s land, I have chosen you.

Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labor’s vain?

Nor hate me when I come to take my horse home again?

I fancied that I heard them say “Dear, Lord, Thy Will Be Done’

For all the joys this horse brings, the risk of grief we’ll run.

We’ll shelter him with tenderness, we’ll love him while we may.

And for the happiness we’ve known, forever grateful stay.

But should you call him back much sooner than we planned.

We’ll brave the bitter grief that comes, and try to understand.

If, by our love we’ve managed your wishes to achieve,

Then in memory of him whom we loved, please help us while we grieve.

When our cherished horse departs this world of strife.

Please send us yet another needing soul, for us to love throughout his life. (Author unknown)""

you'll remember me.

"Fields Of Gold"

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in fields of gold

So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in fields of gold

See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in fields of gold
We'll walk in fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold

precious illusions..

"Precious Illusions"
Alanis Morisette

"You'll rescue me right?
In the exact same way they never did..
I'll be happy right?
When your healing powers kick in

You'll complete me right?
Then my life can finally begin
I'll be worthy right?
Only when you realize the gem I am?

But this won't work now the way it once did
And I won't keep it up even though I would love to
Once I know who I'm not then I'll know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends

This ring will help me yet as will you knight in shining armor
This pill will help me yet as will these boys gone through like water

But this won't work as well as the way it once did
Cuz I want to decide between survival and bliss
And though I know who I'm not I still don't know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down when I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with a childhood best friend

I've spent so long firmly looking outside me
I've spent so much time living in survival mode

This won't work now the way it once did
Cuz I want to deside between survival and bliss
Now I know who I'm not
I don't I still don't know who I am
But I know I won't keep on playing the victim

These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was defenseless
And parting with them is like parting with invisible best friends


These precious illusions in my head did not let me down
When I was a kid
And parting with them is like parting with childhood best friends"

believe in YOU.

so it is that time of life again. Where you sit back (panic attack in full swing) and wonder what you have done with your life thus far? Swaar kry het sy prys. But before you vow to quit smoking, drink less or change who you are...

You wonder about the mistakes and if you are the person your parents would actually REALLY be proud of?

Your biggest achievement might be getting off your medication that kept you up straight for the last decade.

You might have gotten married, divorced, dimented.

Lost weight, gained weight, never falling far from away.

Bought a house, lost millions, gained a personality.

Broke free...from your childhood mess that always kept on coming back for more.

Left behind what you should have in a previous life and started wearing check shirts, glasses and underwear.

took your love somewhere else.

How can one day affect you as a whole? Affect how you see yourself? Your life? Your beingness (that word is from the natisha dictionary)

I say bullshit.

This New Year depression ends now. You have to just be.

Start with getting rid of the inner conflict and love yourself.

Some things are going to change around here in my head this year...

"You desired my attention, but denied my affection".

Get up, not even your own shadow stays with you in dark times.

change what you must and be good to yourself, you are going to be stuck with YOU for a while, so you better start loving it baby, scars and all.

And yes, I’m not saying this year is going to be easy, sunshine, ice cream and vino. It’s going to be hard as fuck.

But give yourself a chance; believe in you, no one is going to do it FOR YOU.





I promise you, that somewhere you are doing something right.

for those tango days..

I haven’t seen or heard from Madame blue tango in a while now. Nor have I spoken about her.

She is the dark piece that hides in your body and tangles itself up in your thoughts and guts.
So when you least except it, she shows up like a disease and makes you hit the ground so hard you can taste the cement.

She is as much a part of me as I am of her. We all have it. The blue tango- the dance being done internally.
Some days you win, some days you fail. It’s bloody exhausting, but other days it's just a normal event taking place, while the world silently turns...

The moment you learn how to move with her, she is merciless. She will twist you and turn you into a black carpet mess for her delight. So whatever you do, you got to get up and try...

no one said it was going to be easy, but no one said it was going to be this hard...

'Ever wonder about what he's doing How it all turned to lies Sometimes I think that it's better to never ask why

Where there is desire There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
Ever worried that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you're out there doing what you're doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by by by
Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame Someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns Doesn't mean you're gonna die
You've gotta get up and try try try
You gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try" Pink- TRY

life as I know it..

Working for a radio station you learn to cope with allot of unnecessary kaka things- but somthing I still can’t get use to, is people feeling like they can say just about any darn thing to you. According to views of opinion I am: 1. Common white trash 2. Can’t read 3. Lost my IQ somewhere.... and and and and blah blah blah.. So nice to find out these things about yourself when not even you knew it! My thing is, who gives you the right to trash someone’s self esteem for your gratification? Does it make you feel better to belittle someone and chase the light out of their eyes? The next time you pick up a phone, keyboard, whatever..... THINK. Would it make a difference in this someone’s life, if yes, good or bad? And the most important thing. IF YOU DONT KNOW SOMEONE SHUVE YOUR OPINION UP YOU NOSE. You have pointed out my flaws again, As if I don't already see them. taylor swift- mean You, with your words like knives And swords and weapons that you use against me You have knocked me off my feet again Got me feeling like I'm nothing You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard Calling me out when I'm wounded You picking on the weaker man You can take me down with just one single blow But you don't know, what you don't know... Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city And all you're ever gonna be is mean Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me And all you're ever gonna be is mean Why you gotta be so mean?