here 's looking at you kid.

I have always admired the light behind a child's eyes. the pure joy of small things and the careless falling all over. the attitude of ' i don't like you" and the balls to throw a tantrum if things ain't going their way.

today i will be careless.

i will be free.

i will not beg you to love or even like me.

i will walk around bare foot.

i will love being here. and just being.me.

i will give you the benefit of the doubt.

i will love you , even if you care to ignore me.

i will eat cake and make up my face with jelly tots and cream.

i will cry when i am sad, real tears. real loud.

sometimes the beauty is in the end - when everything comes together. and there is romance all around you if you choose to see it and not be afraid.

lights off.

sometimes you wish you could just climb out of your skin and try to understand some choices being made or answers given. or that i had a shower that transforms into a time machine so i could smack myself for ever having this up surd idea.


you think you see how amazing someone is at first and then you realize you just had something in your eye. you mend your heart to have it broken again. my message in a bottle comes in liquid form nowadays. sometimes in life the search for order falsifies.your world can be undermined, taken apart and reduced to absolute anarchy. but then magically you can reintegrate it into something more than the some of its meagre parts. you realize and understand that its just the way that that person feels. and you force yourself to become reserved where necessary and collected when confronted. and flying on a wing and a prayer is a no-go-zone anymore. reality sets in once more.get yourself up, snort some zoloft and have a fag. NEXT!




"You knock on her door
She don’t recognise your voice no more
So she got on an aeroplane
Na na na na na so long after
Strip down from the fever
Laid down in a hotel bed
Wouldn’t take no phone calls at all
Didn’t want no more voices in her head

And that’s the way that you feel
And that’s the way that you feel
And that’s the way that you feel honey know
That’s the way that you feel

In the blue part of the evening
Sometimes its hard
She thinks she hears you coming
But she’s stuck against the wall
Oh she wants what she wants
So she do what she do
But now she looks at you
She covers one eye 'cause she can see into your mind
She no longer want to

And that’s the way that you feel
And that’s the way that you feel
And that’s the way that you feel honey know
That’s the way that you feel"
the kills.

nostalgia to remember.the last five years

the bellville house

my heart

one of my best friends

clara anna fontein

with you it 's better than mainstay

hello kykhie.

ogies en ninnies

i love this man

did we just win throphy's?

grandparents

first performance at aandklas

bruno

nera bonito

college madness

turkey teabag on eye

buena vista birthday 19th

oppi koppi 2009

new york

oppi koppi 2009

van zyl team

never without the wings 21st

first car crash

verlore liefde

boskind
three muskateers

dare to be diffrent.

"I was feeling sad
Can't help looking back
Highways flew by
Run, run, run away
No sense of time
Want you to stay
Want keep you inside"

cheese on toast it's that time of the mind again. where you grab fever by the the ears and down it with a glass of cold milk. destiny - it's not a matter of chance , it 's a matter of choice- so its up to all the choices you make. at the end of the day you made/make these choices because you believe in them.
i might not have money to buy a can of coke, but i can live without it - yes, i just went there and blew that bitch straight out of the bag. and when i strip myself down to my utter core of beingness, i will still be who i am- lessons learned, heart broken and eating dust a few times. but i wouldn't want it any other way.im not someone 's slogan- i am poetry.

February is national- boost -your -self -esteem month. no jokes. so you there with the pretty blues eyes and the heart dragging from your sleeve. yes, you. ek like jou soos jy is.celebrate who you are.do what you love. tell him how you feel and believe that you will make it. be brave this year. do something you never thought you would- because you do have it in you. take the train.stop leaving messages on an answering machine. and drive a powder blue bakkie because you can.you inspire more people than you realize. stop doing normal.because you are exceptional.

seek so you can be amazed, and dare so you can understand.

bitch be loca

okay, so as you all know the annual two oceans marathon is in April. and i have decided to follow in the van zyl tradition of not sitting still and doing the half marathon the 23rd of April 2011.
coming from a line of strong long distance athletes i have been running with the family for a very long time- just not on a competitive level- from my aunt who maintained her top ten status throughout the years in the comrades marathon and my other aunt running herself into renal failure i think this has been coming for a while. thought this year i will not stand and cheer them on , on the side of the road , i will be running . yes.


so i am challenging everyone of you.let's have a laugh- i will buy you a beer or six afterwards.

(liam bring your nike fabulousness and get down to cape town) ek vra nie- ek se.


training has commenced from 1st of Jan. through the dancing from 9 -4 i will try my best. my dream has always been to run the comrades and not die, this is a good start.
the Internet is a wonderful thing- once you have entered , there's no going back. so get up and start. i would love a running partner so give me a call fools.

RUN BABY , RUN.


http://www.twooceansmarathon.org.za/race/half

shortcuts, pink wine and such.

January has this amazing ability to make even the most secure son of a gun feel like a piece of insect on a windshield. why is that ? i wish we had a GPS for directing us -happiness approximately 231 days away. (thank you Carmen the garmen) is there some shortcut that i missed along the way? because im suppose to do it the hard way? everything worthwhile is always a hard ass battle? or is it? do we like making things difficult.

i might just explode. i need some sugar water please. carbs in a bucket. you look back on situations and realize you could have not acted like a shit face and this could not have happened. what if. what not. truth be told if you always go on and be someone your not- well that ain't going to work out for you buddy.you also cant change situations or think them better. it is. it was.

my whole life i have always been outside looking in. making excuses for people and brushing off. don't. it 's okay if...

if someone does not want to be with you, see the light..
if the guy with the jeep does not want to come down 10%
if you cant afford dstv
if you are impulsive
if your mother does not like you ,but she loves you
if you see an ex getting married
if they thought you didn't suit the job (code name too old- wrong colour hair, boobs too small)
it 's not you it 's me.
if they want to see you, they will.
stop staring at your phone. move away right now. slowly . yes.
to get smashed and go streaking.
to try and be strong- but you re not.
to not make the bed for a week- I'm going to get right back into it when i get home.
to stop believing what these Cosmo quiz answers bullshit be.
to hate your name every other day.
to stop starving yourself for other people.
to throw a tantrum.
to drink coca cola 8:00 o clock in the morning- don't forget the ice.
to put on a cowboy hat and pretend to be someone else. eg. DORA
to be afraid.
to bee outspoken.
to wish you were 12 again , sitting in your magic tree.


so bloody what.get up. dust off. use the two most valuable fingers God gave you to be non verbal and strut your pretty ass right out of there. things wont always go as planned. 2 years. maybe 5 - the thing is never loose your light- never give up . when the going gets though - open a bottle of pink wine and listen too some bob.
it's only January- imagine what you can accomplish by the end of June hey?..

kalahari hart

it is not the eye that sees the the beauty of the heaven nor the ear that hears the sweetness of the warm wind , but the soul , that perceives all the relishes of sensual and intellectual perfections, and the more nobler the soul, the more savoury are its perceptions. i have had the honour of being in the company of these sincerely beautiful souls for a few days.

I'm trying to sum up of the best few days of my life. you remember when you were a child and your father would bring you home some sweet things after work? no , better than that.better than shoving your fat face in a piece of cake.

we left early on the 28Th of December and continued up to upington , kalahari wereld. from the moment we entered the car the drive was entertaining , i mean with two of the people who can make me laugh so much that i fear vein popping in my brain in front, you know you 've done well- red bull highs and sugar rushes were imminent. from the word go there was dancing, pulling faces and a excitement in the early morning- pie - eating air.

then the moment we arrived in a thunder storm with the thunder gently teasing and the colours dancing on the horizon i knew this was going to be one for the books.
from a borat suit and washing bedding early morning- bonding even more with this fashionably sensitive boy ,but yet too cool too care.
i kid you not we had a bear grylls moment where a young boratting one bravely took a moth the size of my hand and poped it in there, yes. and then there was me who in mid air thought it very clever to jump off the bakkie (in the dark on a non tarred road- is that even a word?) i thought i would hit the road running. i . did . not. fuck.

what are you nasha? some kind of girl or something.

we did however catch the illusive spring hair a few times thanks to sensitive boy with his skilled doring boom direction.(n man so na aan my hart) van gatwip tot cane en oros. we did it all. we were even brave enough to go streaking in the rain with no light whatso ever ( dankie vir daardie een ogies) at least i can tick that off my bucket list - it does have such a ring too it - kaal gat in die kalahari. Johan bakkes would be so proud. the safety of standing in the wind with the warmth of someone behind you.the laughs in the morning about the night before and that every night we all would sit around this huge table and have dinner together.
the sun downers on the rooi duin made me think of being a child again and feeling that life can really be pina colada's and mainstay .
one of the most special moments were when i went running in the veld. with the sun just about to say goodbye and Africa reminding me how she runs in our blood,
time stopped moving and somewhere there i remembered why i am such a rabbadoo-
-returning to smiles, a fire and some sweaty love. doubt truth be a liar, but never doubt my love.

i have never bonded so much and so quickly with a group of friends- people i have known for years and some i only met now. but we made amazing , special memories.

and on the Sunday blues trip back i had to fight off the demons in my throat. but in order to move forward and make new memories we have to accept that this was and start planning the new ones. the only constant is change.

i feel it in my bones, that this is going to be a good year for all of us. may 2011 bring you love, happiness and all the things you deserve. this is your year.

dear friends, i leave you with this. make 2011 your bitch and i will see you all later.


Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down...

I'm through accepting limits
'Cuz someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But 'till I try, I'll never know
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love - I guess I have lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down...

There's no fight we cannot win
Just you and I
Defying gravity
With you and I
Defying gravity

They'll never bring us down...

So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky
As someone told me lately -
Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me -

Tell them how I
Am defying gravity!
I'm flying high
Defying gravity!
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!
-wicked.